


Life Games

by myfailsafe



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Confused Bucky, Confused Steve Rogers, Drama, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, M/M, Multi, Romance, back and forth romance, long chapters, more tags to come, repressed feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-04 20:06:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 38,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4151115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myfailsafe/pseuds/myfailsafe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HIATUS<br/>Life has placed Steven Rogers into James Barnes' life.  They've found themselves inseparable through the years with a friendship that puts others to shame.  Yet with college looming around the corner, the two are faced with the very real reality that separation is happening.  With feelings coming to light just before the big separation, tensions rise and this friendship is just beginning to be put to the ultimate test.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been "lurking" in this fandom for so long, I finally wanted to try my hand at writing this pairing. I know it's a clichéd plot but I always find that's usually the best to start with. I hope you enjoy.

“I DON’T WANT DEM TOUCHIN ME! MOMMY! DON’T WET EM! DON’T WET EM!”  
  
“James, sweetheart!” The woman shouted over the noise of her sons tears, “They’re going to help you, baby.”  
  
“THEY GOT DEH POINT FINGS! PLEASE, MOMMY!” He was screaming, tears streaming down his face and thrashing like a hundred fish out of water.  
  
“I DON’T WANNA, MOMMY! IT WILL HURT!”  
  
“Okay, okay,” It was the young looking nurse who had been waiting by. She had kind blue eyes, beautiful blond hair, and a smile that could melt any heart. Her tone was perfectly even, gentle and calm. She put a hand on James’ mother’s arm, to calm her as well. It was hard watching your sick child go through this.  
  
“Mike, Larry, Jason. Let’s give James here a little breather. Give him a few minutes. How does that sound, James?”  
  
The boy was hiccupping from crying so hard and the fight practically drained him, so he settled more once they backed away.  
  
“Out of the room gentlemen. I’ve got it.” The other nurses did as they were told. Most anyone listened to Sarah.  
  
“Mrs. Barnes,” She said gently. “Come on over with me. There we are. Now how about you sit on this side of James, and I’ll sit on this one.” They sat on either side of the crying boy. Pale and weak and desperately sick. His mother draped an arm around his shoulders while Sarah rubbed circles on his lower back. She grabbed the cup of ice chips and fed him one with a spoon.  
  
“My name is Sarah,” The nurse said gently. “What’s yours?”  
  
The boy sniffled, “James…”  
  
“Now I have to say James, you’re one mighty fighter,” Sarah said with awe in her voice. “I bet you protect your momma real good.”  
  
Bucky lifted his chin all proud like, sniffing away the last of his tears, “I gotta.”  
  
“Sure do. That’s what boys do for their momma’s. My little Steven, he’d move the world for me.”  
  
He looked to his mom, “I’d do dat too, ma.” She smiled and kissed the crown of his head, “I know you would, hunny.”  
  
“Now James, why don’t you tell me what your mommy would do to take care of you? To keep you safe? To help her b… _boy_.” Mrs. Barnes smiled. Both women knew better than to call any six year old a baby.  
  
“Everyfing,” He said knowingly.  
  
“That is just right. You’re a smart one, aren’t you? Now you know why your mommy brought you here, Brave Man?” James nodded the mop of shaggy brown hair, “Cause I’m sick.”  
  
The nurse nodded, “That’s right. Now do you think your mommy would let anything happen to you? Anything bad that cannot be helped?”  
  
He paused, “No, ma’am.”   
  
“Now being this sick James, boy is it awful, isn’t it?” He nodded quietly, finally looking up at her with those tired gray eyes. “Now see sweetie, sometimes in order to get you better, we _have_ to do things that you aren’t going to like. Like those mean needles.”  
  
The child nodded in earnest. Those needles were the meanest thing ever. “But without those mean needles, we can’t get you better sweetheart, because we won’t know what’s making you so sick. Now how are you going to protect your mommy being so sick?”  
  
The child paused for a long moment, then shrugged helplessly.  
  
“Now do you want to take care of your mommy – big and strong and tough, or do you want to be sick?”  
  
The child’s lower lip wobbled, his eyes filling with fresh tears, “I’m scared.”  
  
“Tell you what, James. I have a secret helper. Just _one year_ younger than you…” Sarah locked eyes with James’ mother. It was bring your son to work day across the county. They both knew that, but she didn’t want to bring in another child if it wasn’t okay with her. She gave a smile and a few nods of encouragement.  
  
Sarah turned back to James, “Now my little secret helper. He has a magic cream. Do you know what this magic cream does?” The child shook his head. “It makes it so you don’t even _feel it_. Not a bit. But I only save my super-secret magic cream for the strongest patients. Now can I trust you with that? So we can get you better to take care of your mommy?”  
  
James thought about this for a long moment, looking to his mom for guidance. She gave him one of her gentle smiles and she squeezed him to her side.  
  
“I tell you what. How about we try the magic cream? If it doesn’t work, then no needles.” Sarah smiled, knowing this was a bet she had no chance of losing.  
  
“None?”  
  
“No baby, not a one.”  
  
James turned to look at Sarah, pursing his lips and moving them all around, scared to answer. “…Okay.”  
  
“Oh super-secret helper! Please bring me my magical cream!”  
  
A tiny boy – with his matching blue eyes and blond hair – appeared around the corner. He was small, by any comparison. He was pale and scrawny and he wasn’t looking too healthy himself. He had a mask across his face, sterile gloves three sizes too big, a giant paper gown for really no reason and topped it all off with a surgical cap. In his outstretched hand was a tiny tube and an IV tape patch.  
  
“Now what I’m going to do is I’m going to put my magical cream on right here in your hand where that mean needle has to go. Now I have to let the magic go all through your body before it works perfectly, so it has to stay there thirty minutes. Then _only_ I will come in and I’ll finish my magic. What do you say?”  
  
James nodded, looking at the kid drowning in hospital attire, then he looked to the nurse, “Miss. Sarah…can your supa secret helpa stay while we wait for your magic to work?”  
  
“Of course! I think Steven can run and find some stuff for you two while we wait.” She leaned in close and winked, “That’s his name. But remember, secret.”  
  
James’ mother giggled to herself while James put his finger to his mouth just like Sarah, promising to keep this secret. Steven wondered off, shuffling his feet carefully in all his getup while Sarah applied the ointment to the top of his hand, putting the thin patch to cover over the cream. She was just ruffling his hair and calling him a brave hero when Steven walked in, arms full of a basket of art supplies.  
  
“Okay, now Steven you be good, I’ll be right back,” She looked to James mom who laughed.  
  
“Don’t’ worry dear, they won’t make it far at all. Yours looks like he works here and mine is basically a wanted fugitive by those other nurses if he steps a foot out of this room. I’ll keep a good eye on them.”  
  
Sarah smiled, “I’ll bring them some juice boxes. See maybe if James can stomach it. You want anything…uh?”  
  
“Winifred.”  
  
Another nurse called out Sarah’s name, power walked past her and kept moving.  
  
“No hun, but Sarah?” She was turning on her heel, obviously not going to get the juice. “Thank you.”

* * *

“I knew I knew you from somewhere!” James exclaimed.  
  
Steven gave one of his small smiles; the one that only lifted one side of his mouth and didn’t bare any teeth. His mother called it his ‘sweet smile’.  
  
“Yup, my mommy was your nurse,” Steven reiterated. “James?”  
  
He nodded, “But I like being called Bucky, more.”  
  
Steven nodded, “I like Steve more.”  
  
“What about Stevie?” Bucky asked, making Steve wrinkle his nose. Bucky rolled his eyes, “Come on, I’m your best friend. I gotta call you somethin’ different than everyone else.”  
  
Steve’s eye lit up like high beams, growing the size of saucers, “I’m your best friend?”  
  
Bucky scoffed, “Course you are. If it wasn’t for your magic cream, I would have never been able to get that needle stuff done. That’s how they found the tumor.”  
  
“Then I’ll call you Buck!”  
  
Bucky held out his hand to shake on it and Steve returned it in kind. They shook like maniacs until they were giggling like fools and getting separated to other sides of the room.  
  
Even though Bucky ended up going through weeks of testing, it was once again thanks to the “magic powers” (intuition) of one Sarah Rogers. The fourth time Bucky came through the ER, this time vomiting blood because he had been throwing up stomach acid for so long it was tearing up his esophagus, she ordered a test without consulting the doctor. Sure enough, James’ calcium was through the roof. She begged the doctor to order the thyroid scan since he already had to stay overnight for IVs. It was a longshot – she said, because she knew. It was so rare in kids this age. Yet James was getting worse and worse every time, and his mother came in sobbing because her child just wasn’t getting any better. Low and behold, on one of the parathyroid glands was the culprit.  
  
A benign tumor.  
  
Bucky had been moved to intensive care since his calcium levels were so high his heart could fall into an attack or he could have a seizure, even a stroke. His body was so wrecked from the months and months of sickness that his kidneys, bladder, and urinary tract were in full blown infections. His kidney’s were on the verge of shutting down. This ended up setting Bucky back a grade, missing nearly half the year and no way of catching up. Being in the same area it was no surprise that Bucky and Steve ended up in the same school.  
  
Now despite Steven being a year younger, Bucky was going to be in his classes. At the end of class, Bucky was back over to talk to Steve, waiting for him so they could walk to lunch together.  
  
“Wanna see my scar?” Steve grimaced, but nodded.  
  
Bucky turned and faced him, pulling down the high collar of his shirt to show the pink scar that was across his neck. “I still can’t turn my head from side to side or look up all the way yet. The doctor said it would take a little while. I gotta do it a little at a time.”  
  
“Why’s it like that?”   
  
Bucky grinned a face splitting smile, “So get this. They make a tiny little cut and then they _streeeeetch_ it to ma…Hey Stevie, you don’t look so hot. You okay?”  
  
That was the last day Bucky ever told Steve any gory details.

* * *

  
“Where did you learn to braid, Buck?”  
  
“Asked my ma to teach me since she’s been getting sick - it’s been happening more. Who knows when she’ll be able to do Rebecca’s hair, so I gotta be prepared? Why do you think I did all that extra school and stuff to get back to where I am? Gotta be on top of everything. Besides, this was a good chance to practice.” Bucky pulled tightly on the end knot, smiling at his work and handing it back over to Steve.  
  
The second Bucky started doing extra work and summer school to get back to his proper grade, Steve followed suit. They always had to be together, it seemed.  
  
“See, this way when you have an attack we don’t have to worry about you losing your inhaler again because it fell out of your pocket.”  
  
Steve dropped the braided yarn over his head, the center piece to the necklace was his inhaler. “Great, Buck. The guys already pick on me because I’m a loser, and now I have a braided inhaler necklace.”  
  
“Hey, what’d I say about them, huh?” Bucky shoved the spare yarn in his pocket and wiped at his nose.  
  
The air outside today was picture perfect. It hadn’t even bugged Steve’s asthma nearly as bad as it usually did. He didn’t even have to wear the medical mask outside today. Perfect temperature, and enough clouds Steve wasn’t turning red like a lobster. Waiting for the city bus never tasted so sweet.  
  
“Yeah, you always say don’t worry about em’ because every time I got those no good punks on the ropes you come in and finish em.”  
  
Bucky sighed, “Steve, please don’t start today.”  
  
“Buck, you already punched Joey and got detention _today_. When I could have handled it.”  
  
Bucky hated what he was about to say, but sometimes using Steve’s ultimate weakness was for the best. He leaned forward and squeezed his friends’ shoulder and looked down to meet him square in the eye, “Look, Stevie. I _know_ you had em’ on the ropes pal. I get you like risking your neck,” Steve rolled his shoulder out of his grasp and Bucky had to regroup. “I know you like helping people who need helpin’, pal. I do. I sure would… _do_ think…no. Okay, look. I get you can handle it-”  
  
“You haven’t let me since you met me,” Steve said, that same irritated edge to his voice. He was on the verge of his ‘I-can-handle-the-world-with-one-hand-tied-behind-my-back’ speech he always tried to pull.  
  
“ _At any rate_ , this time they took that,” Bucky points straight at the inhaler now hanging around Steve’s neck. “Now while I get you got a point to prove-”  
  
“I ain’t got no point to prove, Buck!” Steve was practically pouting.  
  
Steve was getting more and more heated, and he might be skin and bones and pure heart, but that little guy could really give your ear a real good pull with a rant attached to it. Bucky didn’t want to go there today.  
  
“Look, Stevie. I saw they took it. Heard them assholes talkin’ how they were gunna smash it and all,” Steve tried to open his mouth to say something, but Bucky kept talking over him. “Now think of what would happen if that thing would have gotten smashed? Your ma would have to go buy a new one, and by what you’ve told me, they ain’t cheap. I was lookin’ out for Ms. Sarah and you, pal. She’d have your hide on a platter if one of them went “missing” again.”  
  
Bucky watched the flame of fight burn right out of Steven’s eyes right then. When it came to himself, he could handle it. He _hated_ it when Bucky ‘came to the rescue’ like he was some girl. Yet when it came to his mom, through any turn of events, Steve was pudding. Besides, Bucky had a point. The things cost an arm and a leg with his mom just having lost her benefits recently once her hours got cut back.  
  
Steve sighed and jabbed lightly at Bucky’s shoulder as the city bus came to a stop and they began to board, “Twelve years old and you’re a right genius there Buck.”  
  
“I know, I know. Face it, I’m the brains, you’re the brawn. It’s how we work.”

* * *

  
Bucky had never had to deal with death before. He had experienced new life when Rebecca was born. When his mom got real sick, he thought that was going to be his first experience. He never thought he’d be holding Rebecca to him, her sobs echoing in the house like an alarm.  
  
The two soldiers were kind enough to stay to make sure his mom had all the information that she needed. He wasn’t sure what information that it was, but he knew they were being extra kind. Very gentle tones. Lots of hugs and holding. One soldier had tears leaking from his eyes. Bucky had barely overheard he had got to really know his father. There were a lot of complements made about how brave his father was, how honorable he had been. How amazing that George Barnes man was. One soldier had left. The other one, the tear soldier, had gone and got them dinner. Made sure they ate some. Had a long heart-to-heart talk with his mom. Before he left, he pulled Bucky aside while Rebecca went with her mother.  
  
“You gotta be strong, son. I know it’s hard. I’ve been there. But your mom and sister are going to need you, so you keep that chin up and take real good care of them, but you make sure you take care of yourself, too. You need _anything_ , you give me a call.” Bucky nodded wordlessly, took the card the man offered and shoved it in his pocket.  
  
He suppose this was what dealing with death was like. Just numbed pain.  
  
The tear solider in his nice uniform left. Bucky walked over to the house phone and pulled the card out of his pocket immediately. He crumpled it up and let it drop to the floor. He dialed the number he knew by heart. He called it every day it seemed. It was Sarah who picked up the phone.  
  
“Roger’s residence.”  
  
Bucky lost the words of what to say. His eyes started to prickle with tears, his throat felt like it was being grabbed the lump was so big in there.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
He choked out a sob, “I need Steve…”  
  
“James? Sweetheart? What’s wrong? Where’s your mother?”  
  
“Please. Please, I need Steve….” He was sobbing now.  
  
He might have sunk to his knees. Now he was sitting with his knees up, his forehead resting there and he sobbed harder than he had in his entire life. He couldn’t hear what Sarah had said back, but the line went dead. Eventually he put it back on the receiver. They were there in five minutes flat. Steve was in his pajamas. Bucky was still in the entryway sobbing with his head on his knees. Sarah found Rebecca and Winifred in the living room on the couch.  
  
Steven asked no questions, said no words. He cried silently for his friend whom he couldn’t help. He went to his knees and wrapped his arms around him as if he could protect Bucky from the hurt of the world. They cried together for what seemed like hours. Later that night, they slept in the same bed. Steve and Sarah had refused to leave. Steve refused to sleep anywhere else. He wrapped Bucky in his scrawny little arms as he cried himself to sleep. He was with him every moment of every day. He stayed with him and Rebecca while Sarah and Winifred went to the funeral home. He slept next to him every night while Bucky cried himself to sleep. He held his and Rebecca’s hand through the service, through the lowering of the casket, through it all.  
  
While Bucky felt the sting of death for the first time at fourteen, Steve was there to help him back up. 

* * *

Bucky could hear his feet slapping on the concrete. He had never ran so hard in his life. He hollered at people to get out of the way as he barreled down the sidewalk, and blasted into the ones who refused to move. Six miles. He could make the six miles. He could still see his mother’s face with the phone to her ear, telling him to wait and she’d drive him. It would be faster. He was sixteen now. The track and field team practically begged for him ever since he entered high school. They hadn’t even seen him run as scared as he was now. They’d never seen him run with such a purpose like this moment.  
  
He took a sudden left down an ally, managed on top of the dumpster and climbed the chain link fence next to it, hopped over, and barely climbed down before letting himself drop. The sting kept him moving. His breath tried to trap him. It was so hard to get a breath. It burned. It wasn’t there. It burned. It wasn’t there. He didn’t know if it was from the panic attack or from the full blown sprint. Yet there it was. Holy Cross Hospital, just in his sights. He nearly got hit by a half dozen cars when he raced across the road to the hospital.    
  
He took the thirteen seconds (because he counted) to catch his breath while an elderly couple wobbled out of the front doors. He got yelled at by three security guards when his pace picked right back up once the path was clear. He passed a full uniformed police officer and figured this was the person who was going to stop him.  
  
Yet he heard him call out to the three guards who had started pursuit, “Kid’s crying his face off fellas, might be running for a reason.”  
  
Bucky turned right at the end of the hall and went straight for the stairwell, climbing the stairs and reaching for his face. Tears were tracking down, silently pouring without his knowledge. He was on the third floor, bursting through the door and going straight, sharp right cut, ten steps, left turn, long hallway, turn and you’re at the CCU.  
He ran to the phone, his only way of getting in. They always had this place on lock down so people couldn’t meander in and out with noise and chaos and what-have-you.  
   
“Critical Car-”  
  
“Sarah Rogers! I’m here to see Sarah Rogers. I’m her…her _son_ James.”  
  
The tone was soft, “Come in, hunny.” The doors made their usual clicking noise, and Bucky didn’t mean to drop the phone and not properly hang it back up, he just hoped the person who came next realized that. He didn’t bother waving to the day shift nurses he all knew by name. He didn’t count rooms like he usually did to get to the fourth (ever since that one time he walked into the fifth one and the guy was peeing in a jug). He stopped for just the shortest moment (though it felt like ten years) to get himself prepared for what was on the other side of that curtain.  
  
When he pulled it back, he was practically tackled into a hug. He still had to hunch over a little for Steve not to be on the tips of his toes, and the kid was shaking to the point his teeth chattered. He was sobbing, blubbering words that faded into nothing as Bucky looked to the bed. She had four IV’s hooked up to her, the breathing tube down her throat. She was skinnier than her toothpick son with a complexion of death itself. She had merely kissed him today and thankfully refused her walk. The doctor’s made sure of that.  
  
Bucky reached up and soothed Steve’s unruly hair, no doubt he almost ripped it out from his scalp, “She’s still here Steve. I’m here. We’re all here, Stevie. It’s okay. She’s back. She didn’t go, okay? It’s okay.”  
  
 Steve clung to Bucky’s t-shirt, his forehead pressed into his shoulder while Bucky rested his forehead atop Steve’s golden head; and they cried from a fear that would cripple most.  
 

* * *

  
“SHE WORE IT!” Bucky yelled excitedly to his friend, turning and grinning from ear to ear.  
  
They were still ‘hiding’ before they came out and took their seats for graduation.  
  
“Who wore what?” Steve asked, trying to peak up on his tip toes.  
  
He had finally hit his own growth spurt, and his mother now loved to call him a bean pole, though he was still reasonably shorter than Bucky. Yet his best friend was spoon fed growth hormones as a child as he liked to point out, because he had muscle on him now, while Steve _still_ didn’t.  
  
“Your mom, my mom and Rebecca. I knew your ma would, Sarah is the best. Course my ma would, cause she’s the best, too. But Bec, she can be a buttnugget.”  
  
Steve let out a long, hard laugh, deep from his gut from both nerves and joy, “What are they wearin’?”  
  
“Calm down, you over-achieving nerd. Couldn’t stand to be away from me so you just had to skip ahead a grade, yeah?”  
  
Steve was still laughing, shoving him out of the way to sneak a peek around the corner where he knew their family would be sitting.  
  
Boy was it impossible to miss this.  
  
“I said I didn’t want to be able to miss them in the crowd. So I got em’ for them,” Bucky said proudly.  
  
Steve turned to look at his best friend, a look mixed with wonder, confusion and pure holding back from slapping him upside the head. “Bright pink wigs?”  
  
“Hell yeah!”  
  
“If you were anyone else Bucky, I’d call you a moron,” Steve said almost fondly.  
  
“You actually call me a moron _all the time_. Literally.”  
  
Steve laughed, shook his head, and hooked his arm around his best friends’ neck, “Come on Buck, and let’s go tell high school to kiss our ass tastefully.”  
  
“STEVE ROGERS JUST SAID A CURSE WORD!” Bucky yelled, as they all began to file out to take their seats and say goodbye to high school.  
  
-0-0-0-0-0-0-  
  
“Alright Wilson, time to come clean. Which school?”  
  
There was a group of them. Their friends they had grown up with. One had already parted for college and came back for their graduation, since he was older. Tony was the neighborhood rich snob, and yet he loved everyone and everyone loved him in return. He took a few days off from school to come see them all graduate. Yet the other five of them; Sam, Natasha, Steve, Clint and Bucky had made an odd promise. That promise was to keep their college name under lock and key until graduation night.  
  
They were piled around a fire pit in Tony’s backyard. Mr. Stark was the only one who had a fire pit and was happy to supply most of the party stuffs. Like food and drink. Tony snuck in the booze.  
  
“Yeah, Sam. Which college was desperate enough to scoop you up?” Bucky called.  
  
Sam flipped him the finger, smirking mostly to himself, “I’m heading to Florida, boys- and my favorite lady. Going to do some time at State, then the National Aviation Academy.”  
  
“You sure took that nickname Falcon to heart, Wilson,” Natasha said, smirking at him.   
  
“Heart wants what the heart wants. What about you? You going to stick to your nickname, cause pest control might not be a college course,” He replied, ducking a thrown bottle she hurled at him.  
  
“Hey, just because those bitchy little boys at school couldn’t handle me and then my rejection isn’t my problem. Besides, Black Widow really struck fear into basically everyone. Helped clear the crowded halls. It was pretty amazing, actually,” She said with a chuckle.  
  
“All that dancing get you a scholarship, Nat?” Steve asked.   
  
“A few were offered up. It’s not what I want to pursue, though. My mother had a shit fit, let me tell ya. I think she forgot you could get academic scholarships, so when the old cow found out I was going to the University of William and Mary, she caved.”  
  
 “Meaning she cried her eyes out,” Tony elaborated.  
  
“Course,” She said, “What about you Clint. You managed to make an archery team and club – regardless of not having anyone to compete against. Find any colleges?”  
  
He laughed, “James Madison.”  
  
“Bullshit,” Natasha said, but she couldn’t hide the smile on her face.  
  
“Man that’s what, three hours apart? Now you two can finally get married and get it over with,” Sam said, making Tony burst out laughing.  
  
“Stick it, Sam. You, Steve, what about you?” Clint said.  
  
“Brooklyn Boy? I say he’ll go somewhere south,” Tony said sarcastically, elbowing Steve with a grin.  
  
Bucky looked over at his friend as he gripped his bottle with the strength he thought would shatter it. The look on his friends’ face, who decided of all people to look at him, said Bucky was _not_ going to like the answer. “Chicago…” Steve said, but it seemed like he was only talking to Bucky. “School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Full ride.”  
  
“Damn, Steve. Those stick figures scored you one of the best art schools in the country?” Sam whistled in appreciation.  He lifted his beer bottle, “To you my friend. To you. Damn fine job, Steve.”  
  
“What about you, Buck?” Steve said lightly. Soft enough it seemed like he just exiled the rest out of the conversation. They were still staring at each other. Bucky still hadn’t managed to drop his beer. Yet it was hard to shove out the answer past the giant bubble in his throat that threatened to suffocate him.  
  
“NYU…” Bucky whispered. Where he thought Steve would go.  
  
-0-0-0-0-  
  
“Where’s Sarah?” Bucky asked loudly, the second Steve dumped him on the couch.  
  
“Not so loud, Buck. She’s at work. She took night shift to make more money, remember?”  
  
“Then why the hell you shushin’ me if she ain’t even here?”  
  
“Because you’re being drunk-loud, and I still got neighbors.”  
  
“I am _not_ drunk, Steven,” Bucky slurred slightly, giving his friend an indignant glare.  
  
“Fine!” Steve said, throwing up his arms, “Then get your ass up and walk to the bathroom and then back again.”  
  
“Pfft, been getting’ in a habit of cursin’ there, pal,” Bucky said pointedly as he got up and immediately stumbled to his right.  
  
He held his hand up to stop Steve, because if there was one thing that James learned from Steven all those years ago, it was how to be a stubborn jackass. He barely held out his hands at his side like a balancing act, causing Steve to roll his eyes, “Just admit it Buck.”  
  
“How about you-” Bucky started, whipping his head towards his friend’s direction, and immediately kicked his world off kilter.  
  
Steve might have been ready to catch Bucky, but he sure as hell was not ready for Bucky’s weight, and the two met the floor with a thud. Steve groaned under the weight, Bucky only sighed.  
  
“I was so sure…” Bucky whispered. Steve tried to turn his head to look at him, but Bucky was full on laying on top of him with his forehead pressed to the ground.  
  
“What are you talking about? So sure your drunk ass could walk?”  
  
“I thought you were going to stay close to your mom. I was so sure you couldn’t leave her like I couldn’t leave you. So when NYU accepted me, I said yes.”  
  
Steve felt his heart fall, “Buck…”  
  
“It’s you and me pal, until the end of the line. I just didn’t think that would be so damn soon.”  
  
Steve pressed up on Bucky’s shoulders as best he could, but he would never have the strength to lift his friend. Bucky relented, coming up on his elbows. His bangs were disheveled, his grey eyes were dull with alcohol and pain, and his lips curved the worst frown.  
  
“We’re still going to be friends, Bucky. We will. I am not going anywhere.”  
  
“You’re going to fucking Chicago, Steve,” Bucky snapped.  
  
 He blinked back tears. He would _not_ cry over this.  
  
But Steve already had tears seeping out of the corner of his eyes, dripping back and onto the floor. “I thought you’d be happy for me…this is my dream, Bucky. My biggest dream, and they _wanted_ me.”  
  
“I _wanted_...” Bucky let out a rough sigh and pushed himself up, stumbled and swayed, quickly followed by his friend who reached out to steady him. Bucky ripped his arm away.  
  
“Just tell me what you wanted then, Buck,” Steve was getting that angry tone in his voice. His tears were coming down his face in a slow stream. He was trembling. The one person whom he thought would be so happy for him. The one person he needed to be happy for him. “What the hell did you want so damn bad that I had to throw away _my_ dreams?”  
  
Bucky wiped his hand down his face, the other hand on his hip. He held out his hand in a quelling gesture, “This is getting out of hand.”  
  
“No. You tell me right now.”  
  
“Stevie-”  
  
“Don’t you _Stevie_ me, James. What the hell did you want so bad that I don’t matter. My hopes and dreams, all my damn ambition. The only _fucking_ thing I have going for me and that isn’t good enough for _your_ wants. What is it?”  
  
“You,” Bucky said gently, fondly. “I just wanted my best friend. Just like we’ve always been - together. Just you and I versus whatever the world threw at us. Me and my pal. Us. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Us. Always there for each other – always. But that ain’t how life works, is it?” He was crying now. He hated crying. He couldn’t help it. It was like they were already saying goodbye and school didn’t start for a couple more weeks. He was always a sucker to get a lump in his throat whenever he was the reason Steve’s face had tear tracks. “But you’re right. You’re always right, did you know that? Of course you knew that,” Bucky said looking to the floor, running a hand threw his hair. “I’m being selfish. Unfair. Rude. Fuck, we should be celebrating this not me ruining your greatest achievement. I’m the shittiest friend to walk the Earth.”  
  
“Bucky, I-”  
  
“Let’s do this!” Bucky swung his hand up and stumbled a few steps, catching himself on a wall, making Steve wince.  
  
“Let’s not do anything tonight, okay?” Steve asked gently, walking over to him.  
  
“No,” Bucky said firmly, his shoulder still planted against the wall. He was looking at Steve with a new purpose, and that was not to ruin his night. “I have to make this up to you.”  
  
“Why do you always decide to get so noble when you’re drunk?” Steve breathed out a laugh just as he reached Bucky.  
  
Bucky reached out with his free hand, swiping the back of his fingers down both of Steve cheeks, clearing them of tears, “It’s usually because I’m a dick when I’m drunk and you remind me that I shouldn’t be.”  
  
Steve reached up, swiping away Bucky’s bangs and fixing them the way Buck always preferred them, his baby blue eyes clear of everything but concern. Bucky grabbed at his wrist, all gentle and kind and pulled Steve’s hand away from his hair. Bucky's hand slipped down his wrist and cupped his hand. They let them hang between them.  
  
“I’m sorry, Stevie. I really am. You need to know that. And that I’m _proud_ of you. Okay?”  
  
Steve was used to Bucky’s ‘drunk-whisper-talk’, but this seemed different. He swallowed the feeling. “Thank you.”  
  
“Movies!” Bucky proclaimed loudly. “We’re going to watch movies and eat junk food from the corner store and fuck sleep ‘cause we don’t need to be awake for school tomorrow.”  
  
Steve laughed and squeezed Bucky’s hand, still not letting go, “Let’s not go to the corner store. You’re drunk butt would get the cops called on us. Plus side, mom knew you were staying the night and bought us frozen pizza and made my cake.”  
  
By ‘my cake’, Steve meant the gluten-free, sugar free cake that he still ate even though he could eat those things again. To most people, it tasted like hell. To the two boys who grew up eating it, it was heaven.  
  
“Please say homemade lemonade….” Bucky practically pleaded, bouncing their hands up and down.  
  
“Duh,” Steve said, rolling his eyes. “But no spiking it! I saw Tony hand you that flask.”  
  
Bucky huffed and even stomped his foot a little, but he straightened up and took it from his back pocket to hand to Steve. Steve took a step forward, barely lifted himself on the tips of his toes, and pressed his lips against Bucky’s, having enough preamble. He barely pulled back, his eyes slammed shut tight. He was sure he was cutting off circulation to Bucky’s hand and if the flask wasn’t metal he was sure there would be marks.  
  
“I’m sorry, Bucky. I’m so sorry. That was stupid. I’m stupid and -”  
  
Bucky pulled Steve flat against him, letting go of his hand and wrapping it around his back. He batted the flask from Steve’s other hand before tangling his fingers with that head of perfect blond hair. Bucky let his back fall flat against the wall for support, making one of Steve’s hand pinned and the other grasping at the front of his shirt. Their lips pressed together and then parted, pressed together again for so long they felt melded. Bucky inhaled through his nose and noticed Steve smelt like firewood and aftershave. He broke apart his lips and flicked his tongue at Steve’s pressed lips, getting them to part. Steve tasted like the cherry coke he had at Tony’s. Bucky’s drunk and muddled mind could feel the silk of his lips, the taste of his tongue as it moved against his with a languid grace he didn’t know Steve possessed. They were breathing harshly now, both of Bucky’s hands gripping at Steve’s hair and he stayed with Steve’s kisses in fervor.  
  
The blond now had both hands gripping Bucky’s waist so tight he swore it was going to break. The living room, still dim from only the hallway light turned on, was full of their panting. The smacking of their lips and the groans that escaped them. Steve was panting against Bucky’s mouth when the brunette ventured off, kissing a trail of fire up the blonde’s jaw and stopping at his ear. They were both panting into the air now. Their muddled minds full of lust slowly starting to peak through the veil.  
  
“Steve…” Bucky’s voice came out of gravelly, almost gritty, just against the blonde’s ear. It made him shiver. “Steve, I…”  
  
Steve pulled back a little, using his hands to cup Bucky’s perfect face. Those beautiful gray eyes, those swollen pouty lips, and that perfect jaw line. He searched his eyes. Those eyes he looked into every day for the past thirteen years. Those eyes that could tell Steve a wordless story and he would just get it. Yet they were both trembling, they were both trying to get air back into their lungs. “What, Buck?” If it was anything at all with what Steve hoped, it was that this wasn’t some drunken moment of passion with anyone available. Something awoke in Steve that he had buried deep inside him for so long, yet on the brink of being separated from the one person who he needed most. His best friend.  
  
His…  
  
“Bucky…” Steve ran his thumb over his cheek, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Bucky, what is it?”  
  
Then Steve, with a sinking heart, saw the light flash in Bucky’s eyes. He pulled his face back out of Steve’s hands, effectively smacking his head against the wall, yanking his hands back and smacking his elbows. Steve took a few steps back, crashing his eyes shut and willing away tears with all his might.    
  
“I-”  
  
“For the love of God, Bucky, don’t finish that sentence. This never happened-”  
  
“No Steve, we have to-”  
  
“-no one will ever have to know. We can pretend this didn’t _ever_ -“  
  
“-talk about this. This isn’t something we can shove under the rug-”  
  
“-have to, if you didn’t want this you shouldn’t have gone with… _that_ -”  
  
“-but Steve we can’t do this.”  
  
That was the line. The line he was trying to stop from coming out of Bucky’s mouth. Of course they couldn’t do – whatever it is they were going to do. Whatever it was. Steve was going to Chicago and Bucky was staying in New York. They had lives to live and homework and work and everything in between. They had a friendship to consider.  
  
“What _was_ that?” Steve whispered, refusing to look at Bucky. He was slowly, step by agonizing step, backing away from him.  
  
“I don’t know…”  
  
“You’re a bad liar, Bucky. Especially drunk.”  
  
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say it? I don’t know how to explain it?”  
  
Steve wiped furiously at his tears, “You owe me _something_.”  
  
They stood in the silence for a few minutes. They could hear the wall on the clock tick the seconds by. The only sound that accompanied that was their breathing. Occasionally sniffles. Sometimes they would move enough to wipe the tears from their faces. Yet when the clock struck the hour, signaling one in the morning, the silence broke.  
  
“I’m going to head home,” Bucky whispered. Steve just looked at him with his piercing blue eyes.  
  
The same eyes that came around that corner all those years ago carrying that ‘super-secret’ cream that numbed his skin. The same eyes of the kid that played with him that day that made him forget he was sick. Those bright eyes he saw were the blue eyes of his first friend. The ones that glared him down when he yelled at him for trying to fight for him. The eyes that shined when they told a lame joke that always made Bucky laugh. The blue eyes of panic when an asthma attack set in. The blue eyes that made him sane when death took his father. Those gleaming blue eyes when just those two had a secret between them. The eyes of the first person who was always there for him. The perfect blue eyes of his first love. Without another word, Bucky shuffled to the front door; a little stumble in his step, but Steve wasn’t coming to help him this time.  
  
Bucky took in a big breath, grabbed the knob and turned, and walked out without looking back.


	2. At Fame's Cost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kind welcome into the fandom! You guys have been so nice and kind - thank you! This next chapter is a bit longer and my chapters tend to fluctuate. This chapter was both fun and a pain in my ass to write. I know there might be some disagreements from people with certain things (like Steve's body, Tony's characteristics and how Natasha comes off) but I hope you'll still give it a chance.

Chapter 2: At Fame’s Cost

* * *

“What’s with the hobo beard?” Natasha asked.   
  
Bucky scoffed, “Hello to you, too.”  
  
“I’m just saying the loose scruff really speaks to my loins.  Every girl must be flocking to you,” She said, smirking on the screen.   
  
Bucky made sure his middle finger was fully visible to the camera, “I’m here for school, not to impress women.”  
  
“You could also impress your razor,” She said, her smirk turning into a laugh.   
  
“Stop talking to Wilson so damn much. You two are practically one in the same with all the quips,” Bucky sighed.  
  
“Jealous I have social skills?”  
  
“The envy is so strong I can barely control myself,” He replied in a monotone.   
  
“So you gunna go for a man bun, too?  Your hair is getting long.  It’s kinda hot,” She said, raising one eyebrow and smirking.  
  
“You hitting on me, Romanov?”   
  
“My loins, remember?” She said smiling.  “But seriously, how are classes?”  
  
“State is relentless.  Calculous is a fucking whipping class.  Seriously. They just stand there smacking you over and over with equations of absolute bullshit.”  
  
“Well no one told you to go be an engineer.  How many different engineering degrees are you going for again? Thirty-five?”  
  
He couldn’t help but laugh.  Natasha was always good for getting that out of him.   
  
“Two. Just two.  Chemical and electrical – just in case one doesn’t work out.”   
  
“So odd,” She said in wonder.  “Wouldn’t expect anything less.  Look, sorry to cut this short but I have to get across campus.”  
  
“Later,” He said, giving a little wave.  
  
“Bye, Barnes.  And shave for fuck sake,” Then the video cut.    
  
Bucky shut the lid of his laptop and slid it off his desk, shoving it in his bag.  He turned the light off at his desk and grabbed his hoodie.  Zipper up and bag slung over his   
shoulder, he left his dorm to head to Calc.    
  
His phone buzzed in his pocket as he turned a corner and walked out in the cold air, ducking his head against the blast. He checked the screen and hesitated.  He always hesitated now and he hated that.  He never used to hesitate with anything with Steve. He slid his finger over to answer.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“ _Hey, pal.  What’s going on?_ ’  
  
“School, doof.  Remember? That thing that will make me a poor, indebted beggar for the next five hundred years until I can pay off student loans?”  
  
“ _You know, that answer never gets old, Buck.  So how are you?  School aside._ ”  
  
Bucky pursed his lips, bumping his shoulder into someone and apologizing after getting lost in his head so quick.  How was he?  He was busy trying to pretend he didn’t think about Steve constantly.    
  
“I’m doing fine.  Just lots of school with two majors.  Little overwhelming, you know?”  
  
“ _You should slow your workload, Buck.  Don’t burn yourself out._ ”  
  
Bucky let out the smallest sigh, “Look, Steve, I gotta go.  I have class.”  
  
“ _Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean-_ ”  
  
“You didn’t interrupt.  Send me a picture of your current project, alright?  You haven’t done that in a while.  I’ll text you later,” Bucky said, but he knew he wouldn’t.  Steve did too.   
  
“ _Bye_.”  
  
Bucky pressed the end button, bringing the phone up to tap against his forehead with his eyes slammed shut.  
  
Ever since that night happened – since Bucky walked out on _him_ – Steve had tried everything in his power to pretend like it never happened.  Like nothing that had happened bothered him.  Bucky shook his head and pocketed his phone, finally reaching his class.  He took his usual seat in the class, only this time, the guy sitting next to him wasn’t the same doped up douche that always offered him pills.  
  
No, it was an entirely different douchebag with no reason being there.  
  
“Tony, do I want to know?”  
  
“What?  No ‘hello’ or ‘how are you’ or ‘I’ve missed your beautiful face and perfect goatee’.  I could teach you to shave, by the way.”  
  
Bucky rolled his eyes, plopping down in his seat with a loud and obnoxious sigh.   
  
Tony leaned back, looking him up and down, “You know, you just scream angst ridden asshole who hates people and wishes they brought back jean jackets.”  
  
Bucky turned and glared at him, “Why are you here, Stark?”  
  
“Oh just Dad doing some good ol’ ‘guest instruction’ and when he told me here, I thought – hell yes.  Then dear ol’ dad told me he was stopping by and dropping into some classes like calculus and I remembered how much you always _loved_ math.  So I was like, I should go keep Bucky company.  Who doesn’t like my company?”     
  
“Stark, it’s a class that is expensive - not that you would understand that – but I actually have to concentrate.”  
  
“Want me to leave you alone in chemistry, too?  We both know I’ll be there,” Tony said with a smile.  
  
Bucky sighed, placing his head down on his open book.  Tony began rubbing circles on his back like a mother to a sick child.   
  
“I know, I’m overwhelmingly fun.  Take your time, I’ll still be here.”  
  
“What do you want, Tony?”  
  
“A night on the town?  Oh my God, tell me, how _did_ you know I wanted something?”  
  
“I can’t even get into bars,” Bucky said, lifting his head, “And you always want something.  
  
“Are you going for the man-bun hipster thing, because the middle stages are looking horrible on you,” Tony said, looking him over.  
  
“For fuck sake, we will go out!” Bucky hissed.   
  
“Yay!” Tony said, his voice pitching high.  “Here are the answers to the equations my dad is going to put out.  Like bad sex – long yet uneventful.  Love ya, pal.”  
  
Bucky looked down at the four pages of calculus work, looked back to watch Tony strut out of the room and rolled his eyes.    
  
  
-0-0-0-0-0-  
  
  
“This ‘meal’ cost more than my tuition,” Bucky said, staring down at the bite sized portions.   
  
“Hey, first of all, this is one of the best restaurants in the world.  Second, why do you college kids always go on and on about tuition?”  
  
“First of all, you said that because your dad owns this place. Secondly, because we all don’t have tons of money and it’s a crippling debt that will follow us through our lives so we just adjust to bitching about it to make up for the crippling part,” Bucky said in a dead tone.   
  
“Ah!  Explains so much.  So what’s up with you and Roger’s?”  
  
Bucky choked on his water, his eyes bugging.  He glared at Tony while he refused to slam down his drink, who was staring back at him, fingers laced with his chin resting there, smiling sweetly.   
  
“Nothing.”

“That’s my point.  Boy that kid is the human form of a kicked puppy, and _you_ kicked the puppy,” Tony said seriously.   
  
“I didn’t kick the – Christ, he’s a person.  Can we not refer to him as a puppy?”  
  
“Will you then grace me with a simple answer as to what is going on?”  
  
“Did you go visit him?” Bucky asked, eyeing him suspiciously.  
  
“What if I did?” Tony asked in return, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms smugly.   
  
“Do you ever actually _attend_ college?”  
  
“It’s really easy to leave when you know all the answers.  My professors love me.  I’m already two years ahead in my master’s program.  Triple major.  I’m a crown jewel.  Now back to the puppy.”  
  
Bucky sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “My nerves are never pushed to such a limit as with you, do you know that?”  
  
“It’s a talent,” Tony smiled.   
  
“We just haven’t had a lot of time to talk is all.  He’s down about that.  I am, too.  You can’t blame us.  Been inseparable since we were kids and now this.  You know how sensitive Steve is.  Soon as he adjusts he’ll be fine,” Bucky said, but Tony was already talking over him.  
  
“The Puppy said you two kissed.”   
  
Bucky’s mouth stuttered, barely opening and closing like a little fish.  Tony looked so smug you’d think he just won the world.   
  
“Relax.  He hasn’t told anyone else-”  
  
“BUT HE TOLD THE LOUDEST MOUTH IN THE GROUP!” Bucky snapped.   
  
Tony’s eyebrows shot up, a frown carving out his lips, “You wound me.”  
  
Bucky pushed back from the table, and Tony stopped him with holding up his hands, “Okay, okay, I’ll tone down the… _me_.  I swear it Barnes, I haven’t told a soul.  I’m not going to.  I’m simply here to give my two cents which you didn’t ask for but you’re going to hear.”  
  
“Excuse me?” Bucky asked indignantly.   
  
“Look man, fucking up is real easy in the love game-”  
  
“I’m _not-_ ”  
  
“ _At any rate_ …you can’t throw away a friendship over a meaningful or meaningless kiss.  Whichever way your cookie crumbles.  Steve thinks he’s the scum of the Earth, and we both know he isn’t.  While I get you have to focus on college and internal struggles, you need to mend the friendship.  For the both of you.”  
  
Bucky was silent for a long moment, looking over Tony like he was a new person.  Tony chuckled, holding up his hands again, “I know, I can _actually_ be wise with people from time to time.  I’m not saying you march out of this restaurant and call him up and confess your undying love but maybe just shove some actual effort in the whole communication front.  Okay?”  
  
Bucky gave one small nod.  It wasn’t a yes, it wasn’t a no, but it was a start.  
  
“He draws you, by the way,” Tony said gently.  “Always knew little Steve could draw but man, when the little spitfire gets to draw that ugly mug of yours, you don’t look half bad in his eyes.”  
  
Bucky was pretty sure he was blushing and he was pretty sure Tony was going to call him out on it, but luckily, Stark was being some weird type of kind tonight.    
  
Bucky pulled out his cell while Tony paid the check, typing out a quick message to Steve.  
  
_Skype tonight, pal.  Tony gave me a cheat sheet to tonight’s homework, so I’m free.  Better have some pictures to show me or I’m gunna let you hear it._  
  
He watched the screen for a moment and it buzzed back in response.   
  
_8 o’clock your time!_  
  
Bucky smiled to himself, slipping the phone in his pocket and following Tony out of the restaurant.   
  
They still had two hours until Bucky had to be back to meet Steve online, so they decided to walk the town.   
  
“You, uh, going to apologize?” Tony asked, “Because I mean that dipshit smile you had on your face texting him just screams _I’ve missed you_.”   
  
Bucky glared, but his shoulders sagged, “I don’t know what I’ll say.  Maybe do what he wants and act like it never happened.”  
  
“Well, we have time to think on it.  In other news, I’m going to propose to Pepper.”  
  
Tony dropped the bombshell like he was talking about the weather and it actually made Bucky miss a few steps in walking, causing him to jog to catch up.   
  
“I’m sorry, come again?”  
  
“My playboy days have been over since I met her, James.  She’s a good, honest girl who will kick my ass and tell me off and then cuddle me.  She’s not scared to tell me when I’m wrong, will always let me know when she’s right and doesn’t give one shit about my money.  Been working in the lab with Bruce.  Made a new gem.”  
  
Bucky actually laughed, “Leave it to you to create a new gem just to propose.”  
  
“Yeah, just need the perf-”  
  
“Hey! You Tony Stark?”  
  
The two turned at the loud voice, not that far from them.  Bucky’s gut said bad, his heart said run, but Tony’s mouth said blab.   
  
“The one and only.”  
  
That’s when the gun came out.

* * *

  
“He’s ignoring me again, Nat,” Steve said, sighing into the phone.    
  
“ _I’m sure something came up.  Like Tony got too damn drunk and he had to babysit.  That’s happened to all of us_.”  
  
“I tried calling both of their phones.  Just nothing.  I give up.”  
  
_“Hey now Rogers, those words aren’t in your vocabulary,_ ” She chastised gently.    
  
“If he doesn’t want to be friends, I can’t force him.  I feel like I’m harassing him as is.”  
  
“ _I get ya Steve, I do, better than most.  How about you give him some space.  See maybe if he will come around.  If that doesn’t work then…well, I don’t ever say this word, but then I’m sorry Steve.  Not all friendships last.  I know you wanted this one, but it just might not be in the books_.”  
  
Steve nodded to himself, still sitting in front of the computer nodding his head like Natasha could see him.  She had a way with being blunt and kind with him.    
  
“I’m not going to give up on him, but I’ll give him his space,” Steve said sadly.    
  
“ _I’m sure he’ll come around.  Maybe when break comes around and we are all in town it will give him a wakeup call.  Yeah_?”  
  
“I hope.”  
  
“ _At least this way Steve, he’s not lying to you anymore.”_  


* * *

  
Bucky had a high threshold for pain.  At least he always thought he did.    
  
Needles are on the small end of the pain scale.  Quick, tiny prick and you’re done.  Next, maybe a bee sting. Maybe after that was the first time someone surprised him after his surgery and he turned his head further than it could technically go.    
  
He didn’t know if this level of pain could even be put on a scale. Pain so intense that when you’re finally conscious, the pain takes you back under.    
He had flashes of things.  Tony’s face.  Paramedics.  Hospital ceilings.  Machines beeping.  Doctor’s yelling.  Nurses trying to calm him.  Nurses.  Doctors. Nurses. Doctors.    
  
“Tony…” He tried to croak out at some point, consciousness coming back. His mind was muddled in a fog.  He’d been given painkillers and they weren’t working.   
  
“He’s alright-”  
  
“James!  James I’m right here,” Tony said, his voice slightly panicked.   
  
He felt like he was moving, he think he heard one of the nurses yelling at Tony to go back to his room.    
  
“Just my mom.  Please.”  
  
“But…”  
  
“Please,” Bucky whispered, just before the pain took him back under.    
  
Tony was finally grabbed by one nurse and another blocked his path as Bucky was pushed through the doors of the prep room for the operation.    
  
“TONY!”  
  
He whipped around, watching his father jog down the hallway and stop just short of him, placing his hands on his forearms, “Where are you hurt?  Where’s James?  Why aren’t you in your damn hospital room?”  
  
“They just took him to the OR.  He might, uh, lose his arm…Dad what are you doing?”   
  
“What do you mean ‘What am I doing?’ Someone tried to _kill_ you.  You were shot and you’re running around a hospital.  I’m supposed to be asking that question.”  
  
Tony’s dad wasn’t always the best father – he’d rather be working in his lab for days on end leaving Tony to basically do whatever he pleased.  A skinned knee or a bruised elbow or even that one time he broke his wrist – his dad didn’t blink an eye.  Didn’t ask how he was doing, never came to check in on him.  Might not even known it happened.  Yet here he was, staring him down with the fear in his eyes that reminded Tony that Howard was still his dad, and he was still his kid.  Loss was permanent.    
  
Tony snapped back to the moment, “I uh, actually didn’t get shot.  Got grazed in a few places.  James took most of it.”  
  
“Actually Mr. Stark, you’re supposed to be getting taken to surgery to get that bullet out of your shoulder…” The nurse said, standing next to Howard.  
  
Tony looked at the red bandaging around his shoulder, “Huh.  Those meds are insane.  Dilated?  I’m only guessing here.  Two milligrams considering I thought that was another graze.  Amazing medication, really.”  
  
“Your room, Mr. Stark.  We need to get you in the OR.”  
  
Tony nodded dumbly, his father placing a hand on his lower back to guide him, “Dad, take my phone.  It’s in my pants.  They cut them off of me, they’re in a bag in my room.  Call Winifred Barnes.  It’s his mother.  Make sure she doesn’t tell _anyone_ else.  Bucky said so.  Not until we know more – okay?”  
  
Howard was nodding, “Okay.  Does he have insurance?”  
  
Tony was shaking his head, then decided against that – it made him so dizzy, as they walked back to the room, “No clue, pops.”  
  
“We’ll take care of it.  He saved you, it’s the least we can do.  If he loses that arm, I have just the thing to help.”  
  
“Don’t turn my friends into experiments,” Tony said a little hotly.  
  
“It’s no experiment.  We’ve been working on these prosthetics for soldiers for a long time.  Helps them more than standard ones.  Gives them full-”  
  
“I apologize, Mr. Stark,” The nurse said as they rounded into Tony’s room, grabbing his bag and handing it to Howard, “But we need to get him prepped.”  
  
He nodded dumbly, “He’s bad waking from anesthesia.  He panics.  Just…just to let you know.”  
  
The nurse nodded, then politely as she could pointed towards the exit to the waiting room.  “We’ll send the doctor out when he’s done.”

* * *

Sam shook his head, “Nah, haven’t heard from Bucky or Tony.  Sorry Nat.”  
  
She practically growled into the phone, “ _There is no reason for them to ignore all of us.  Steve said he can’t even get ahold of Winifred.  Said Sarah stopped by the place and no one was home._ ”  
  
Sam pursed his lips, “I can’t figure a reason they’d drop off like that.”  
  
“ _Howard’s university tour was completely canceled on top of it.  Something is up, Sam.  I don’t like this_.”  
  
“I don’t either, but I really don’t know what we can do about it if we can’t even find anyone.”  
  
“ _Look, they’ll surface.  Especially Howard.  I know this is frustrating, they’re my friends too, but they always have their reasons, even if they aren’t always good ones_.”  
  
“They better pray it’s a good one for once, because I’m going to fucking kill them.”

* * *

“Hunny, I just think it’s time to call at least one of them.  Sarah thinks I went into witness protection, did I tell you that?” Winifred chuckled. “Your friends keep calling me-”  
  
“Change your number,” Bucky said, his tone flat.   
  
“I just need to know James.  That’s all, sweetheart.  Why?  Just tell me why and you know I will follow suit.  You’re my first baby and I’d do whatever you ask.”  
  
“Yeah Bucky, we just need a reason,” Rebecca said, chiming in sitting next to her mother.  “We just…we want to understand… _need_ to understand.”  
  
“It’s hard to explain,” He said through gritted teeth.  
  
Rebecca leaned forward, placing her hand on Bucky’s right, “Look, Bucknugget, we can only understand to a certain extent.  We can understand it’s hard, but not how you understand it.  We know it’s painful, but not how you know it. We are _here_ Bucky.  Us.  We are your family and we aren’t going anywhere.  So put up or shut up.  If you shut up, I’m kicking your ass.”  
  
“Rebecca!” Winifred reprimanded, but she stopped there.  
  
Bucky was smirking, and his smirk moved to the other side of his face and caused a smile.  He looked up through his bangs at his sister, pursing his lips to try and stop the smile.  
  
“Laugh you asshole,” She bit through her own chuckles.  
  
So he did.  It wasn’t loud like it used to be, it didn’t cause his head to kick back, and it didn’t fill the room.  It caused his right shoulder to bounce a little and caused Winifred to tear up, but it was Bucky laughing, and it was a start.   
  
“That’s more like the Bucknugget I know,” She smiled.  “Now look…” She stood, getting up from the chair and coming to sit on the couch next to Bucky on his right.  She leaned gently on his good arm, mindful not to jar the other too much.   
  
“We’re not asking for everything from the jump.  Just a little bit.  I think – no fuck that – we deserve that.”  
  
“Watch your language in front of mom for crying out loud,” Bucky said, clearly sounding drained.  “Around me that’s fine, but come on.”  
  
“Sorry, sorry,” She held up her hands and made a face at her mother, “Sorry.”  
  
“I don’t need them to be around for all of this,” Bucky started. “The ‘healing process’.  The rehabilitation.  I’m practically dependent on painkillers, so I’ll have to get off of those.  And I know what you’re going to say mom-”  
  
“I just think-”  
  
“Ma, let Bucky finish,” Rebecca groaned.   
  
“Sorry sweetheart.  But like you said, you know what I’ll say.  I think this is the most important time to have your friends.”  
  
“Yeah, I know.  But mom, I’m in pain all the time. The medication helps, but it’s just pain.  I get snappy and irritable and angry.  I lash out erratically.  Tony’s had to rehire the rehab coach like eight times already.  This is a good time to drive them away.”  
  
“They’re also going to be furious,” Rebecca cut in.  “Face it.”  
  
“Maybe…maybe we can find a middle ground?” His mother suggested.  “It’s been nearly six months, I think maybe starting with a phone call would be good.”  
  
“Phone calls,” Rebecca agreed.   
  
Bucky sighed, “Phone calls.”  


* * *

  
“ _You fucking prick, I should fucking murder you_.”   
  
“Hi, Nat,” Bucky sighed.   
  
“ _You piece of shit.  Are you fucking kidding me right now?  Clint, shut the fuck up, he_ is _going to hear it._ ”  
  
“I know, I know.  I’m…I’m sorry.”  
  
“ _Sorry?  SORRY?  Stark gets a murder attempt on him and then you disappear?  For Christ sake James we were starting to think you went missing and died.  Seriously.  Steve has  
been _beside _himself.  Sam and Clint have been shit deep in depression because of this and I have been fucking pissed.  How_ could you _James?_ ”  
  
“I knew I shouldn’t have…”  
  
“NO, Bucky you need to.  They need to know!” Rebecca snapped, pushing the phone back.  
  
“ _Know what?  That you’re an asshole, because I got news for you.  Next time you decide to check out of our lives-”  
  
_ “I was with Tony, Natasha.  I was shot.  A lot. I lost…” Bucky looked up to his sister and shook his head, his mouth still barely open in mid sentence.   
  
“ _Lost what? James? You were shot?  Where are you?  James…James I’m sorry, please talk to me.  Where are you?  Are you okay?  Clint – back off.  Are you safe?”  
  
_ “I’m safe, Natasha.  I just…I can’t see you guys right now,” Bucky said lightly.  
  
There was a long silence, one that forced Bucky to listen to his heart hammering in his chest.  He looked at Rebecca, who was beyond pissed, but who knew better than to say anything.  It was a plan to get them to Bucky, not have Bucky still keep them at arm’s length.   
  
“I understand,” Natasha finally said.  “Tony can’t even make phone calls so I respect you for doing that for us.  I’ll tell the others. Than-”  
  
Bucky hung up the phone before Natasha could finish the sentence.  He couldn’t hear her say thank you after he let her think he had to stay in hiding for whatever the hell happened with Tony.  
  
“You lied to me and you didn’t tell them. You said you’d tell them,” Rebecca snapped.  
  
“I told them what I wanted.  I didn’t want to tell them anything to begin with, Rebecca.”  
  
“And you needed to!  Instead you copped out!”  
  
Bucky hurled the phone with his good arm, making it feel like someone tore at his bad shoulder with a hot knife.  Her phone shattered against the wall, exploding into a dozen little pieces.   
  
“You have no idea what I’m going through and every damn day you and mom are breathing down my damn neck about telling everyone my fucking arm is gone like that’s some sort of therapy.  Like that will help me cope.”  
  
Rebecca’s eyes were filling with tears, the same gray eyes Bucky had, and instantly he was regretting snapping at her.    
  
She marched up and smacked him upside the head, tears leaking down her face, “We wanted what was best for you, you jerk.  That’s all.  Because we love you.  They love you.  You’re being so…mean.”  
  
She turned on her heal and stormed off, no doubt to cry and mentally curse her shitty older brother.   
  
“THAT’S WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK TO THEM! …FUCK!” Bucky yelled to himself.  
  
“If it’s any consolation, I understand,” Tony said.  
  
Bucky sighed, flopping down onto the couch again, “But…”  
  
“But I also agree with the angry little female version of yourself.  I, surprisingly, as well took to becoming a nomad hermit minus your stunning hair.  Yet between Bruce and Pepper, I have come to terms that I am by no means Atlas,” Tony held up a screw driver, “Time for a checkup.”  
  
Tony walked over and sat next to Bucky, snapping the hair tie off his wrist and tossing Bucky’s hair up in a bun with a small smile.   
  
“Nothing is more obnoxious than feeling weak in front of the one you’re supposed to be the strongest around,” Tony said gently, tinkering around with Bucky’s arm.  The scarring was beginning to turn a duller pink, but the nerve endings were still adjusting.  
  
“He’ll never look at me the same,” Bucky said quietly, nearly to himself.  “How the hell am I supposed to protect him and lookout for him when I only have one arm?”  
  
“Technically – flex your fingers – you have two arms. One is simply owned by Stark.”  
  
“I still can’t work it properly.  I broke four bottles yesterday in grip tests.  I’m in constant pain and reliant on fucking pain killers.  I can barely sleep, I’ve had to drop out of school…”  
  
“Maybe it’s time for Steve to take care of you a little bit.  Just a little bit,” Tony suggested.  
  
Bucky shook his head, “No.  That’s not-”  
  
“Roles reverse, James.  It happens.  A lot, actually.  Bend at the elbow.”  
  
Bucky’s eyes grew a size bigger in shock, “That didn’t hurt…”  
  
Tony smirked, “Added a little extra nerve blockers in a few places.  Still gives you free range of the arm, but where it’s hooked up to the nerve receptors, the pain ones are finally going to start shutting down – temporarily mind you. You won’t be able to sense your grip even more now, moving the arm might be a little harder – but until your fully healed this is the best way to go.”  
  
“Howard underestimates you,” Bucky said, looking over at Tony who was looking away with a small smirk.   
  
“Yeah, yeah he does.  Not always so bad.   Just, give it a thought as to what I said.  You aren’t weak, you aren’t broken, and just because you need help doesn’t make you either.  I’m going to be seeing everyone soon for break, in about a month – they have to set it up to make it safe or something.  You know, with someone out to kill my father and I.  I think you should come.  If not for yourself, Bucky, do it for Steve.”  
  
Bucky glared with all his worth, which only got worse when Tony hummed lightly as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind Bucky’s ear.  He knew he had Bucky.  Because the one thing that was Bucky’s true weakness, it was any and everything that was Steve.

* * *

  
James Buchanan Barnes thought he knew suffering.  He thought he knew pain.  He thought he knew weakness.  
  
He had never before gone through withdrawals.    
  
He had been on heavy pain medication for six months, and now that Tony finally figured out a way for the arm to be used and still hooked up to nerve endings without pain, it was time to come off.  
  
No amount of tapering down prepared him.  He refused methadone.  He wanted it gone and out.  He didn’t want this to rule him, add another problem, and he didn’t want Steve to see another thing weakening him.  
  
Yet nothing prepared him for this.   
  
An unspoken promise was made between him and Tony, so while Winifred and Rebecca left after the weekend to go back home, Tony stayed with him in the rented out house.   
He never let Pepper or Bruce come over, and didn’t even tell them why, but he said he just needed time with Bucky.  
  
The first day wasn’t too bad.  He was a little anxious but the doctor gave him anti-anxiety and anti-nausea meds to help him through the withdrawal.  When Bucky tried to refuse, the doctor told him that he would desperately need them.  So he took them with the intent on not using them.  
  
The second day was a little worse.  He took his first anti-anxiety pill that day, which calmed him some.  He had felt slightly restless, so he walked on the treadmill some, lifted a few weights with his good arm.  He ate twice and they were only two light meals, the anti-nausea meds helped.  
  
He had to take anti-anxiety medication to help him get the few hours of sleep that he got.  Yet that was the night the cold sweats started to come.  The chills followed close behind the next morning.  Later that day on the third day was when the vomiting and dry heaving started. The day after – the fourth, the overwhelming body aches claimed him.    
Then the embarrassing diarrhea.  By the fifth day he just stayed curled on the floor in the bathroom, shaking with chattering teeth in unforgiving pain with dry heaves and constant diarrhea.  He didn’t sleep despite the anti-anxiety and nausea medications.  He cried when Tony wasn’t sitting with him on the bathroom floor.    
  
The sixth day, the anger set in on top of all the others.  The aches were never ending, the food refused his stomach and a nurse had to be called in to give Bucky IV fluids and monitor him.  He wanted to die just for it to be over.  He blamed Tony for all of this.  Yelled at him between heaving.  Asked just for one pill to make it a little more bearable.   
The seventh day his legs stopped being restless and his teeth stopped clacking together.  The eighth, he could hold down a liquid diet.  By the end of the two weeks, his detox was done.  
  
He was packing his bag while Tony stood in the doorway, staring at his arm as if looking for kinks.  
  
“I didn’t mean what I said,” Bucky muttered, “I just…”  
  
“Been through alcohol withdrawal, and that’s deadly.  I actually understand humans despite what everyone thinks,” Tony replied.   
  
“I’m sorry,” Bucky said, “I know it was the withdrawal, but it’s still uncalled for.”  
  
“I accept your apology.”    
  
Bucky zipped up the bag, “Thank you again, for everything.”  
  
“You keep getting soft on me Barnes and I’ll tell everything I brushed your hair for four months.”  
  
Bucky couldn’t help but laugh as he swung the duffle bag over his shoulder with his right hand, “Let’s get this over with.”

* * *

  
Bucky stood in front of the apartment door for seven minutes.   
  
Tony was waiting downstairs in the parking garage, feet kicked up watching some movie on his phone.  Told Bucky to take all the time he needed.  Steve had thought Tony was going to be picking him up to go to the place the Stark’s rented for Spring Break.  He didn’t think he’d see Bucky until then.  
  
So when he finally plucked up the courage, he knocked.  It wasn’t loud and maybe it was not even considered knocking but more like tapping, but regardless, he heard the footsteps coming towards the door.   
  
He sucked in a breath as it swung open.   
  
Steve had hit another growth spurt, maybe now just a couple inches shy of Bucky.  He had been working out, too.  The guy was actually starting to get muscles – like a swimmers body.  Like all those years puberty evaded him, it was finally realizing it was getting near the end and needed to haul ass.   
  
Yet he still had those clear blue eyes, the same gorgeous blond hair and those pouty lips that were now set in a thin line.   
Bucky knew he was thinner.  His hair was longer and tied up in the man bun everyone had teased him about getting.  He had a scruffy face since he was too anxious to shave and just wanted to get this on and done with.    
  
Steve curled his fists at his sides, his arms were shaking, “You asshole.”  
  
“Steve,” Bucky croaked out.  He wanted to hug him and tell him how much he missed him.  How much he thought about him over the past months.  He wanted to run away and hide and not listen to his best friend give him a verbal ass kicking.   
  
Steve took a step forward and shoved Bucky hard in the chest, making his stumble back a few steps, “Not a word.  Not a damn word!  First you blow me off over and over and over and then – _then_ – I thought you did it again.  Tony was shot at, he disappeared.  Then you did.  Then Natasha tells me you were with him.  That you had been shot,” A worried look crosses his face where he shoved him, but it passes, “You’re mom and sister just ignore me and my mother.  I hear _nothing_ and then the worst thing I could possibly hear and I can’t find you.  I can’t get in touch with you.  I couldn’t fucking help you.”  
  
Tears were welling up in his eyes and Bucky felt himself caving in on the inside.    
  
“I’m okay now…” He whispers.  
  
“BUT YOU WEREN’T!” Steve yells.  
  
Bucky takes the steps forward that he lost, pulls his hands from his pockets and reaches for Steve.  The blond smacks away one hand, and it happened to be his left.  Bucky’s arm jerks and Steve yelped in pain, grabbing at his hand.  Bucky is frozen in shock for a mere one second for his fight or flight response to make a decision.  He takes one last step forward and grabs at Steve’s newly injured hand.  The knuckles on the back of his hand that he swung with all his might had split open.  He’s hissing in pain while Bucky is pulling him inside the apartment – this time with his right hand.   
  
He turns into the kitchen and turns the water on cold, grabbing a paper towel and wetting it before turning and dabbing at Steve’s knuckles.   
  
Steve’s hand in lying palm down on Bucky’s metal one, Bucky’s right hand gently pressing on the wounds.  The silence is suffocating.  Bucky was refusing to look up and meet Steve’s eyes.  He doesn’t want to see the pity.  He doesn’t want to see the pain.  He can’t stand it.  
  
“Buck…” Steve whispers, “Bucky…”  
  
He finally looks up and the tears leaking down Steve’s face aren’t from pity or disgust or the pain in his hand.  It the type of pain one feels when they couldn’t be there to care for you.  The pain of not being able to help you.  The pain of not being able to help you carry your burden.  The pain of knowing his best friend had been without him, when Bucky was always there for him.   
  
Bucky didn’t realize he was crying until Steve was reaching up and wiping away the tears, “Bucky, I shouldn’t have…”  
  
“You had the right, Steve.  But…”  
  
“I know.  I know.  Natasha told me you and Tony had to stay in hiding. I get it. I was just so scared.”  
  
It was like being shot twice.  Once for the lie and the second for making Steve worried.    
  
“How…I mean, where…I…is it just the hand?” Steve asked gently.    
  
Bucky wasn’t sure when he put the paper towel down, but he had reached up just like Steve had and begun stroking his cheek with his thumb. Steve had no more tears to wipe from Bucky’s face, but he couldn’t stop cupping it.  
  
“You can take off my jacket,” Bucky whispered.  
  
Steve nodded in understanding.  Sometimes with Bucky, he was just horrible with words.  He either didn’t know how to put it or didn’t want to say it.  Sometimes showing just worked best for him, and of all people that understood, it was Steve.   
  
He slid his hands down from his face, down his neck, and took the zipper in his hand and pulled it down slowly, waiting for Bucky to say ‘never mind’ and zip it back up.  Yet Bucky never did.  His expression was a little hard, but he refused to break eye contact with Steve as his hands came back up and pushed the jacket off his shoulders, down his arms and let it drop to the floor.   Bucky only managed to get on a tank undershirt before tossing on a jacket, so it made the viewing easier now he supposed.   
As soon as Steve’s eyes flicked to the metal arm, Bucky slammed his eyes shut.  The least judgmental person in the world was standing in front of him staring down his arm and yet he was still scared.  Still nervous there would be revulsion and pity.    
  
“Does it hurt?” Steve asked gently.  
  
Bucky opened his eyes, Steve’s fingers were just a hair away from touching it, hesitation written all over his face.  
  
Bucky shook his head, “Not anymore.”  
  
Steve’s face fell and his jaw clenched.  More regret for not being there to help him when he was in pain.  He pressed his fingers to the metal, Bucky was surprised he didn’t flinch.  
  
“Is it heavy?”  
  
“No.  The Stark’s used... a lot of high tech crap that I really don’t understand,” Bucky chuckled.  It got a smile out of Steve, yet he was still trailing his fingers along the metal.   
  
“Does it…can you use it?”  
  
Bucky nodded, “It’s fully functional.  I’m getting the hang of it.  Tony did some work on it to cut off the nerve endings in my shoulder so it wouldn’t hurt when I moved it anymore.  But it’s powerful.  It was hard to control its strength before, but now I can’t tell what is me gripping something and breaking it or if I’m touching something soft as a feather.  Until everything is healed and Tony can undo some of that work, I’m going in blind with no feeling.”   
  
Steve used both hands to grab at Bucky’s metal one, “You just have to go very slowly.”  
  
“Steve…” Bucky said in a warning tone.  
  
“Slowly.”  
  
They were looking into each other’s eyes again and Bucky knew Steve just wanted to find a small way to trust Bucky again.  Leave it to his best friend to have a trust exercise that could shatter his hand.  
  
Bucky looked down and each miniscule movement was as slow as humanly possible.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Steve nodded.  
  
“You’re holding my hand,” Steve said with a smile, “Perfect pressure.  We’ll work on it more, before you know it, it will be second nature.”  
  
Bucky felt that lump start creeping up his throat.  Leave it to Steve Rogers to forgive him in just a few minutes flat.  Like this never happened.  Didn’t bother with the pity or the sympathy, just wanting to understand and help.    
  
Bucky pressed his forehead to Steve’s, his eyes closed praying he wouldn’t cry again, “Steve, I don’t deserve your help.”  
  
“Whether you think you deserve it or not, you will always have it.”  
  
“I…don’t want you to think-”  
  
Steve took his hand away from Bucky’s hand and pushed his arms under Bucky’s and wrapped them around him, his hands sliding up Bucky’s back and splayed out against him..  Bucky brought his hands up around Steve’s shoulders, being mindful of his left.  They still had their foreheads together, holding each other.  
  
“You aren’t weak. You’re still the toughest guy I know.  You were shot and survived protecting a friend.  You aren’t broken – you’re upgraded.  You are the same Bucky I’ve always…”  
  
There was a paused that made Bucky’s heart jump and he clenched his teeth together so hard in hope his jaw popped.  
  
“I’ve always known.  A metal arm won’t change that.  You can’t let it.  Don’t let it.”  
  
Bucky swallowed the disappointment that was a full bitter mouthful, “With a friend like you, I just can’t, now can I?”  
  
Maybe the ‘friend’ jab was a little bit of an uppercut, considering they were wrapped in each other’s arms in the middle of Steve’s kitchen after their last face to face encounter was them acting on blatant hidden feelings.  Yet it was a dance they kept doing around each other.  It was hard to follow.  They wanted to act on their desire, but the crippling fear of losing a life-long friend kept stopping them.  Yet Bucky had almost lost him when he almost lost his life.  Yet he didn’t want to lose Steve’s friendship.  He didn’t even know if Steve would be open to a relationship with him.  There were too many but’s and yet’s and if’s and what’s.  He had almost told Steve he loved him all those nights ago on the night they kissed.  Instead he pushed him away in a full on panic mode.  He pushed his friend away and tried to ignore love.  
  
“My first thought was that I’d never see you again…” Bucky finally whispered, “When I saw the guy lift the gun, I thought I was going to die and I’d never see you again.”  
Steve squeezed Bucky harder before pulling his face back, searching his eyes, “You were facing death and thought about me?”  
  
“About how I walked out on you.  About how I never got to apologize.  About how I never got to say what I really wanted to tell you that night.  About how instead I kept my best friend at arm’s length like some asshole who couldn’t face-”  
  
There was a loud pounding at the door that made the two of them jump.  They both let out harsh and exasperated sighs at the exact time, causing Steve to look back at Bucky while they laughed.  It was the laugh Bucky always loved seeing on Steve’s face.  The one that scrunched up his nose and slightly duck his head and cause his eyes to squint.  Like they were sharing a secret laugh just between themselves.  
  
The slowly pulled apart when more pounding came, followed by Natasha’s angry yelling in Russian.  Sometimes she could actually be saying nice things about you, other times it was usually her insulting your entire family line.  
  
Bucky bent down and picked up his jacket, “We’re coming!”  
  
Steve silently helped him get it on in that overprotective type of helping Steve always had a habit of.  Steve zipped it up and stopped just at the top, one hand resting against Bucky’s chest, the other still on the zipper.   
  
Bucky reached up with his right hand and fixed Steve’s bangs before finally leaning in to kiss him.  A kiss that pressed so hard Steve nearly stumbled back, but Bucky wrapped his right arm around his back and caught him.  He pulled back for a second when Natasha pounded on the door again.  
  
“I’m cleaning up his busted hand, give us one damn minute!” Bucky shouted again, before Steve grabbed his face and pulled him in for another kiss.    
  
Bucky barely pulled back, their lips tickling the others teasingly as Bucky spoke in a whisper, “I never want to lose you.  Ever.”  
  
He went back for one longer, deeper kiss before finally pulling away.  Steve took the bloody paper towel from the counter and wiped at his knuckles again and went towards the door.  Bucky was making sure his jacket was zipped up all the way and Steve snuck in one last kiss on his cheek.  
  
They searched each other’s eyes.  There were so many unsaid things and questions and confusion.  They knew they’d need to figure it out, face it and talk about it.  Now was not the time.  
  
Steve opened the door and Natasha gently moved him out of the way to walk right up to Bucky.  He braced for impact.  He’d been punched by her once and only once and he was praying it would forever stay that way.   
  
Instead she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, standing on the tips of her toes, “Never again,” she whispered, sounding like she was holding back tears.  “I will kill you myself, you hear me?”  He wrapped his right arm around her waist and nodded, keeping his left hand buried in his jacket pocket.  
  
She broke away, sliding her arms down his to just barely hesitate, looking into his eyes before playing it off like nothing ever happened.  That was one thing he loved about Natasha, your business was yours until you decided to share it.    
  
She stepped aside to show the entire gang in the hallway; Sam, Clint, Tony – even Bruce and Pepper.  
  
“Apparently when I text everyone saying you and I were stopping by to pick up Steve, that means everyone needs to show up because patience is not allowed in this circle of friends.”   
  
Pepper swatted Tony’s shoulder playfully while everyone laughed.  Sam and Clint came in to walk up and give Bucky a hug, but he held up his right hand to stop them.  
Bucky looked to Steve, who was standing at his side, pretending to nurse his busted knuckles.   
  
“What happened to you?  You work out for six months and try to punch through a wall?” Sam asked.  
  
Steve gave Bucky a small nod of encouragement, giving him a look that said to trust them.  That they wouldn’t judge him or think less of him or pity them.  They’ll find out when they hug you.  Let the damn cat out of the bag.  
  
“Sorry- Sam…Clint,” He nodded to each of them, “Before we get to the hugging, there is probably something you should know.  You too, so you can stop staring at it trying to figure it out.”  
  
Natasha looked up at him and gave a little shrug.   
  
Bucky unzipped his jacket one more time.

* * *

  
  
“I swear if you don’t let me call you Terminator then you and I are both missing out on beautiful opportunities here,” Sam said.   
  
“Is no one still getting my Edward Elric reference?  No one?” Clint asked.   
  
“If you play ‘ _Iron Man_ ’ in reference to my arm around Tony he goes on some nerd rant about the types of material used in my arm that is in fact lighter than iron and insult your intelligence.”   
  
Nat smiled, “How many times?”  
  
“Oh like, every time we spoke,” Bucky grinned.   
  
“I begged him to let me have it built like a Swiss army knife.  Random gadgets so I could call him Inspector Gadget and he was so doped up at one point he almost let me,” Tony said matter-of-factly.  
  
“But you didn’t because if there was something sharp and pointy it would have eventually found you once you called me that,” Bucky replied.   
  
Tony nodded solemnly, “Buck-Buster is also a non-favorite.”  
  
Everyone groaned at the sad attempt of the nickname Tony even bother trying.    
  
“Let’s just stick with Bucky,” Steve said.  
  
Sam looked panicked for moment, “Shit, I wasn’t trying to be insensitive.  I was just trying to lighten the mood, sorry Bucky.”  
  
Bucky waved him off, “I appreciate it, honestly.  It’s nice to be treated like I’m still normal.”  
  
“You are. Just like, a knock off Robo Cop,” Clint shrugged.  
  
“Hey, do not use the word knockoff in any sense when talking about that arm,” Tony said.   
  
Bucky looked to Steve, grinning, “I swear he’d marry my arm if he could.”  
  
“I would.  Pepper, dear, I’ve been cheating on your with machines.  I know.  I’m sure we’re all shocked that I’m more interested in robotics than in people.  But sweetheart, we’ll make this work.  Imagine a third arm.  It can carry in the groceries.”  
  
Pepper was cracking up.  This was the first time Bucky was actually seeing the engagement ring since he knew Tony stopped wasting time after the shooting incident.  It was almost as big as Tony’s ego, and he had told him as much.  Yet there was an undeniable change in Pepper that he had noticed.  A new level of happiness, a new sense of pride, a new chapter of life to look forward to.   
  
“Alright.  Now that the cat is out of the bag, let’s say we get going with this road trip and get the hell out of here,” Bucky said.  
  
Everyone cheered in agreement.  It was a five hour road trip to Tupper Lake, where they would be staying most of break.  They had promised Steve they’d stop at Niagara Falls at the end of the trip and spend the day and night there before heading home.   
  
Pepper, Bruce and Tony would be in one car, while Sam, Natasha, Steve and Bucky would take Sam’s SUV.  
  
Natasha sat in the back with Bucky in between her and Steve, sitting on his left side.    
  
She leaned over to him and whispered, “It doesn’t hurt, does it?”  
  
He shook his head while Steve linked a few of their fingers on the seat between them out of eyesight of everyone.   
  
“Good”, Natasha said.  She leaned against him and rested her head on his shoulder, “Good.”  
  
In Natasha speak, it meant she was happy he was okay, that he was alive, that he was safe.  Bucky smiled, looking to Steve who smiled back with the same warm smile he always remembered.  The one he thought of before the gun went off.  The one that he thought of before surgery.  Before bed.  That kept him clinging to hope.   
  
“Let’s get going,” Bucky said.    
  
A week away with his friends – he couldn’t ask for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you can find me on tumblr http://nevifail.tumblr.com and as always I appreciate the feedback when possible!  
> ALSO: I can't promise all my updates will be this on point fast tbh. So forgive me if some come out slower than others. Thanks again!


	3. It's A Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Changed some of the tags just to let you guys know. I wanted this to be slow but I don't know if I can keep it so slow. I'm halfway through chapter four (and decided maybe this isn't going to be so long and go so slow) so hopefully I'll have it done sometime next week. My plan is to not post until I have some of the next chapter posted. As always, I hope you all enjoy.

“You look like a pillow back there Barnes,” Sam said, his eyes flicking towards the rear-view mirror.   
  
Bucky smiled back, looking to Clint as he turned around in his seat, “Don’t move.  I’ll wake her up.  Do it the wrong way she comes up swingin’.”  
  
Natasha was asleep on Bucky’s shoulder, Steve decided to lay with his head on Bucky’s thigh, Natasha’s fingers still tangled in the blond mess of hair.  Bucky could find a scarce few things that made him so content with the world.  He didn’t mind being the pillow for his two dearest friends.  They had become quite the trio back in middle school when Natasha took a liking to little tiny Steve.  Steve just so happened to be a package deal with Bucky.  It seemed how Bucky had made any of these friends was because they befriended Steve, and Bucky was always by his side.  
  
Clint gently opened the door, reaching up and running a hand through Natasha’s red locks, “Coffee is inside.  You have to move.”  
  
Her eyes opened slowly, she came off from leaning on Bucky without a word, took Clint’s outstretched hand and stepped out of the car.  
  
“Shit, wish he’d wake me up, too,” Sam laughed, cutting the engine, “This place is breath taking. Bless those Stark’s for renting out this entire Lodge.  I mean seriously, we all needed this.  A break from school, a break from life and most importantly some time with you and Tony.  Man…this view.”  
  
Sam stepped out of the car without another word, leaving Bucky genuinenly touched.  He looked down at Steve, the smile on his face growing bigger.  He was half tempted to stay in the car like this for the rest of the day, but he knew Steve had been the most excited about this entire trip.  
  
He brushed his fingers through his hair, messing it up even more than Natasha did.  They always had a thing for screwing with his hair.  He traced the line of his cheekbone, the outline of his jaw and ran his hand down his shoulder and rubbed his arm lightly.   
  
“We’re here, Stevie.”  
  
Like magic, he sat bolt upright.  Eyes blinking rapidly to rid themselves of the heavy sleep that wanted to drag him back under.  Steve had always been difficult to wake up from naps – practically impossible.  Yet if they were going anywhere and the car lulled him to sleep when he wasn’t driving, those magic words always woke him up so fast it made   
  
Bucky laugh every time.  
  
“The sun is setting Buck, come on!” And Steve was out the door and gone like the wind.   
  
Bucky chuckled to himself before sliding out of the SUV and shutting the door behind him.  Everyone was gathering on the front deck that was full of rocking chairs.  Bruce took to one instantly while Tony and Pepper went inside to talk to the owner about their stay.  Natasha was leaning against the railing with Sam and Clint while Steve was on the other end facing out to the line of trees scaling a forest.  The colors were breath taking with the colors that splashed them with the setting sun.  He walked up beside him to get a glance.  He had the most peaceful look on his face, yet his eyes were dancing, taking it all in.  No doubt he was getting inspiration, and he was probably going to be up all night drawing.    
  
Steve rested his elbows on the railing, “There is a lake nearby.  We should go tomorrow.”  
  
Bucky snorted, “Hell, let’s go tonight.”  
  
Steve laughed, “We still have to settle in and get unpacked, Buck.”  
  
“You just slept four hours in the car after singing for one.  I think you’ll be up later than you think.”  
  
Bucky turned, “Sam, wanna get the fishing gear out?  I can see the dock from here.  Nice walk it looks like.”  
  
Sam and Clint were smiling, Natasha was rolling her eyes knowing she was going to get dragged along.   
  
“I brought a couple of electric lanterns.  Figured we’d be going night fishing, didn’t want us to trip,” Bruce said gently.  
  
“Good thinking,” Steve said.  
  
Pepper and Tony came out on the porch then, holding a slip of paper, “Alright, so, Pepper and I get Suite One, Natasha and Clint get Suite two.  Apartment number ten and number eleven both have full kitchens and then some. Like an actual apartment.  If you all want to double up, that’s fine. The cabin style rooms are basic rooms. Grab your keys when you’re ready”  
  
“I call an apartment!” Steve said.  
  
“Second!” Sam called.  
  
“I’ll take a cabin room,” Bruce nodded, smiling to Tony.   
  
Bucky pursed his lips and Steve elbowed him, “You wanted an apartment room, didn’t you?”  
  
“One of them…” Tony looked down at the paper.  
  
“Both have two bedrooms,” Pepper said, not needing to look at the paper, “Number eleven has a double bed in each room.  That could work.”  
  
“Sound good?” Steve asked.  
  
Bucky wanted to say no.  He’d rather take a room by himself because he knew Steve would want to talk at some point, and so did everyone else.  They just thought it was about Bucky disappearing, not a talk about randomly kissing his best friend.  
  
“I call the room with the window view,” Bucky said teasingly, knowing that would be the room Steve would want.  
  
Steve made a face before giving his best friend the finger, causing Natasha to laugh.   
  
“Alright, let’s get unloaded!” Pepper said excitedly.  
  
“That can wait,” Sam said, waving her off.   
  
Tony made a face, like an exaggerated wince.  One thing you do not do is mess with Pepper’s schedule.  Part of her schedule was getting her room set up before sundown, and for that to happen, the cars needed to be unpacked.   
  
“Second thought,” Tony said, “We unpack the car.”  
  
Steve and Bucky were nodded, hoping Pepper’s smile would return.  She was the sweetest woman either of them knew short of their mother’s, but cross her wrong and things would never end well.   
  
She smiled, “Perfect.  That way the itinerary isn’t wasted.”  
  
“Have I ever told you how much I respect the power you hold over these boys, Pep?”  
  
“Oh please, Nat,” Pepper was blushing, “They bow before you.”  
  
“Which is why together we are unstoppable,” The two of them walked to the car, the rest of the guys following suit, heads hung knowing they were right. 

* * *

  
Bucky gave Steve the room with the view of the Lake.    
  
While he carried fishing poles and a tackle box down to the dock, Steve carried a sketch book and a silver container with some art supplies and a lantern.   
  
“What are you going to accomplish drawing when we’re night fishing?” Bucky asked, genuinely curious.   
  
“Sillouete art.  Perfect shapes.  No better time.”   
  
“Whatever you say pal.” Bucky laughed, trying to change his grip.  He was desperately trying to carry everything in his flesh hand, scared he’d snap it with his metal one. They were now earshot of everyone else at the dock.  Apparently they didn’t get the memo that Pepper changed her mind, wanted to set up the room later and she wanted to get to finishing now.  So while Steve and Bucky unpacked, everyone else were baiting their hooks.   
  
“Wait, Buck, stop,” Steve said, sighing.  He set his stuff down on the worn down dirt path.   
  
He stepped up to Bucky, taking the tackle box from his hand and making sure he held on to the fishing poles still.   
  
“Open it up, I’ll guide you,” Steve said, nodding to his metal hand.   
  
Bucky pursed his lips.  He shouldn’t feel embarrassed about anything around Steve, but he was.  He was embarrassed he needed help.  He was embarrassed he needed help over something as small as gripping a damn handle.   
  
“What’s with that face?” Steve said, giving him a little glare.   
  
“Still ain’t used to you not being scrawny and short.  Kinda weird,” Bucky said with a chuckle.  
  
Steve outright laughed at him, “Men can grow into their twenties.  Puberty was taking its sweet time, but it finally found me.  Nat was the one who helped me find muscle.  Sent me this whole workout routine and this strict protein diet – start going slow – but it helped keep my mind off of…” Steve dropped the sentence, his lips pursing.   
  
Bucky stopped trying to move his fingers, causing Steve to look up and shake his head, “Not now.  I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up. But let’s not talk about it right now, let’s enjoy the night.”  
  
He bent his head back down, nodding to have Bucky begin closing his hand again.  Bucky looked down, concentrating hard.  Steve was holding the tackle box from the bottom with one hand, a finger placed over the handle so he can tell when Bucky had a good hold on the handle.  It was just like before, slow and steady.  Bucky started to wish he had some of the nerve sensations he had before, he’d take the pain over this embarrassment.    
  
“Maybe Tony can help you.  Invent some crazy thing that can help with this,” Steve said, his face pinched in concentration.   
  
“Not until all the nerves are healed, even then I was having trouble controlling it.  All this tech is powerful.  The Stark’s forget they aren’t making weapons anymore, sometimes.”  
  
Steve laughed, “Okay, right there.”  
  
He pulled back his finger and smiled up at Bucky, “I’ve missed ya, Buck.”  
  
Bucky returned the smile, “I’ve missed you too, Stevie.  You really have no idea.”  
  
Steve let out a sad chuckle, looking down, “I actually think I do.”  
  
Bucky clenched his jaw, bending down to set down the fishing poles and Steve watched him as he stood back up, and reached his hand up to grab Steve’s face, just where his jaw meets his neck.   
  
“I know you don’t want to talk about it now, but Steve, I need you to know how sorry I am.  How much I missed you.  You have to understand that at least.  We can talk about it more when you want, but I need you to know that _now_.  I don’t want this trip bogged down by that.  I want this trip to give us what we need to get back to where we were.”  
  
Steve’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, reaching up to put his hand over Bucky’s, “That’s another problem Buck, I don’t know where we were and I don’t think you do either.”  
  
Bucky felt his lips part, but his words failed him for a moment, “Then let’s use this trip to start.”  
  
Steve felt one side of his lips perk up, his face softened – it was his kind smile.    
  
He squeezed Bucky’s hand before letting go, watching as Bucky pulled his hand back, “Sounds good to me.”  
  
-0-0-0-0-0-  
  
  
Bucky broke the first fishing pole within the first two minutes of fishing.  No one laughed as his face fell and a frustrated look took home in his features.  Steve quietly put down his sketch pad and charcoal.   
  
He walked down the dock and grabbed the second pole and took the broken one from Bucky.  Everyone continued their conversations, trying to keep the air normal.  He motioned for Bucky to stand up, asked him to grab the bait, and baited the hook for him.  He cast the line and then motioned for the two of them to sit.  He passed the pole back to Bucky, making him hold it with his left hand.  He quietly guided him until his grip was good, then let him take over the rest.  Steve walked back to grab his stuff, coming back to sit next to Bucky.  The end of the dock was large.  Wide and open with enough space for all of them, yet Steve sat back down right next to Bucky and placed the lantern between them, flipping the page to start another piece.   
  
“Wait…go back,” Bucky said, having had a peak of the first page.   
  
Steve flipped back the page and held it out over towards Bucky, who bent his head down in the light to look at it.  The silhouette picture was beautiful.  Steve made the darkened sky white, dotting it with black stars.  He captured the shape of the trees, leaving the water white as well.  He had all of the group in the picture, their shapes perfect against the white lake, small and delicate.  It was so simple, yet so beautiful.  Only one color and Steve could make magic.    
  
“It beautiful,” Bucky whispered.  
  
“Did you just use the word beautiful?” Sam asked over his shoulder, laughing.   
  
“Shove it, Wilson,” Bucky said quietly.  
  
The last time he spoke loudly Natasha nearly ripped his head off for scaring away the fish.  Apparently she and Clint were having a competition to see who can catch a fish first and she didn’t want anything to get in the way.    
  
Steve nudged Bucky with his elbow and gave him a smile, mouthing ‘thank you’, before turning to a blank page and taking out his pencil.  Bucky looked out to the black lake that turned a mirror for the sky.  It was the most peace he had in so long.  He needed it.   
  
He looked to Steve to say something when his reel came to life and the handle spun in a whirl.  Bucky grabbed it with his right hand and started carefully to his feet.  He heard Natasha curse and Clint laugh as the rest of the group laid down their poles and gathered around him.  He spun and spun and spun the handle pulling in the lure and what he hoped was something remotely close to a decent fish.  He’d never hear the end of it if it wasn’t.   
  
Steve walked off and came back with the net just as Bucky pulled back on the pole with a final tug and few last spins to bring the fish out of the water.   
The group burst into a round of laughter when Steve put the net under the smallest fish they’d ever laid their eyes on.  Bucky tipped his head back with a smile, shaking his head at the stars.    
  
“Damn Barnes, I could have bought something bigger at the pet store,” Clint said.   
  
Sam clapped him on the shoulder, “To think, it took a whole movie to find Nemo and you only three minutes.”  
  
“It’s cute,” Pepper said earnestly, before realizing it sounded insulting, “I didn’t mean it like that Bucky.”  
  
Yet he was too busy cracking up with Steve, who was taking it off the hook.  Bucky put down his pole and held out his right hand and Steve passed him the fish, grabbing for his cell phone to take a picture.   
  
“Sorry I can’t hold it up, it just weighs so damn much,” Bucky said laughing, while Steve snapped the picture.  Bucky promptly tossed it back in the water.   
  
“Well, it’s not the size that counts,” Tony said, “At least you finished first.”  
  
The group descended into laughter as they all went back to fishing, and not even Natasha could get mad at the noise.   
  
-0-0-0-0-0-  
  
It was three-thirty in the morning when they arrived back at the Lodge. Natasha and Pepper laid out the plans for a bunch since they needed to get some sleep and breakfast came too early.  They split to their respective rooms.    
  
Bucky went to his room while Steve’s was just inside the door.  He changed into loose pants and a tank undershirt and sat on the edge of the bed.  He played with his a hair tie between his fingertips, wishing he could put it up.  If he tried with his metal arm like he tried yesterday, he might rip his scalp off.  If he held his hair with his right, he’d snap the band.  He hated to admit it, even if it was to himself, but he wished Tony were here.  Hell, maybe it was time to cut it.   
  
There was a knock and Bucky looked up, still sitting at the end of his bed, finding Steve in the doorway.   
It was still foreign to see Steve with muscles on his arms, the undershirt he wore clung to him and Bucky could make out the faint line of stomach muscles.  His lounge pants actually stayed up on his hips.  Bucky had found Steve attractive before, but it was getting harder and harder to hide it the more and more he looked healthier.   
  
“You’ve been staring at that thing for a minute, didn’t even notice me.  You okay?”  
  
Bucky laughed a little dryly, “Yeah.  Never thought I would find myself trying to figure out how to put up my own hair.”  
  
Steve leaned against the door frame, “Well how’d you do it before?”  
  
“Don’t you dare laugh,” Bucky warned, causing Steve to hold up his hands in surrender, “Tony used to.”  
  
Steve pursed his lips, moved them around like he always did when he tried not to smile or laugh.  Bucky threw up his hands, rolling his eyes.   
  
“What?  Come on Buck, I didn’t laugh,” Steve said, pointing at him.  He was smiling now, eyes full of laughter, “Here, I’ll put it up.”  
  
Bucky glared at him as Steve came into his room, padding his way to his bed.  Steve held out his hand, and Bucky continued to glare as he handed the hair tie over to Steve, who easily ignored it.  
  
He climbed on the bed behind Bucky, up on his knees so he could reach properly.   
  
Steve combed his fingers through Bucky’s hair, instantly making Bucky feel like butter.  It was so different with Steve running his hands through his hair than Tony. More gentle, more careful, more caring.    
  
“I know it sounds stupid, but I’m jealous Tony got to spend so much time with you.  Having to hide out like that couldn’t have been easy, but to have a friend must have been nice.”  
  
Bucky winced, and it wasn’t from Steve messing with his hair.  He still thought Bucky had to hide, not that Bucky was an ashamed person who was weak and helpless and refusing the help of others.  Refusing other’s to see him.  Steve wrapped his hair in a bun, coming to sit beside him with a smile.  He was so content, so happy.  It made Bucky feel guiltier.   
  
“Buck…what’s up?  Did I do it wrong?  Does it hurt or something?”  
  
 He shook his head, “No, no Steve it’s fine.”  
  
“Then why do you look like you’d been punched in the gut?”  
  
Bucky looked away from Steve, looking down at his left hand and using the index finger on his right to trace over the metal.  
  
“Steve…I can’t lie to you.”  
  
“I know,” Steve said, a hint of worry in his voice, “You and I were always bad at lying to each other.”  
  
“It was always just easier telling the truth,” Bucky sighed, “But when the truth hurts you, I just want to lie and lie and lie no matter how shitty it sounds.”  
  
“Bucky?  What are you getting at?”  
  
Bucky looked at him, saw the crease between his brow and the worry written clear across this face.    
  
“I wasn’t forced into hiding, Steve,” Bucky said so quietly, Steve had to strain to hear.  “I asked.  Well, I didn’t ask to go into hiding.”   
  
Bucky shook his head, “What I mean was, when it first happened, I didn’t know how bad it was.  The doctor said it was the adrenalin.  The blood loss told me otherwise.  The guy just kept shooting and I just kept hearing pop after pop, and I was just worried about getting Tony and I out of the way.  Some guy – just some random person tackled the guy.  Some patrol officer cuffed him.  I remember Tony leaning me against the wall and just feeling pain.  Pure pain.  I looked down and my arm was just…riddled. A chunk of my elbow was gone, two of my fingers just blown off, my bicep torn through twice.  My arm was shattered.  Maybe it was the little boy in me, but at first, I just wanted my mom.  I begged Tony to tell my mom only because I needed her.  But then I thought of you.  How worried you’d be.  How upset you’d be.  So I wanted to wait to see how bad it was.  
  
“When I woke up from surgery with no arm, all I wanted was to call you.  I wanted to beg you to come.” Bucky didn’t understand why his eyes were watering, but he kept going, “I wanted you to comfort me and tell me it was going to be okay.  But when they told me my recovery time, I just…shut down.  I know you.  I knew you’d drop out the second you’d know how much help I would need and for how long. Even then…even then I just couldn’t stand you seeing me like that.”  
  
Bucky let out a shaky breath, swallowed hard to fight away tears, he would not cry again, “I was always the one to protect you.  Since the day we found each other in school.  I always looked out for you, helped you and took care of you.  You were my purpose.  I was never weak, always strong – always for you.  For everyone.  I just kept thinking about how it would never be like that again.  They told me depression was common after losing a limb, so I just used that as an excuse.  But I couldn’t stand the thought of being weak in front of the one person who saw me as strong.  I couldn’t stand the thought of you watching me deal with all that.  It was humiliating.  It was degrading.  I was angry all the time – lashing out constantly.  The things I said to Tony…the depression became crippling.  I know none of this will make up for me never contacting you.  I know saying sorry will never make it alright for denying you the right to help your friend.  I know you’re going to be mad that I robbed you of the opportunity to be the friend I know you are and help me.  I’m sorry, and I know those words are pathetic and nearly worthless.  I know you will try to understand and won’t be able to.  But I am sorry.  But I can’t lie to you.”  
  
Bucky reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose to stop his eyes from watering, and used that opportunity to cover his eyes with his hand, his elbow propped on his thigh.    
He felt the bed lift and looked up in time to watch Steve march out of the room and slam the door behind him with such force a picture dropped off the wall, the glass cracking on impact.    
  
Bucky dropped his head back into his hand and rubbed at his forehead, shaking his head and wishing he could have stopped with his diarrhea of the mouth.  He had meant what he said on the way to the dock, though.  He wanted him and Steve to get back to where they were.  They couldn’t get there with him lying.   
  
His door flew back open; Steve’s face was flushed with anger, his jaw tight and his eyes full of sadness that made Bucky want to die.   
  
“No, screw that.  You’re going to hear what the fuck I have to say,” Steve said through clenched teeth.  
  
“Did you just say-”  
  
“Shut. Up,” Steve said slowly, enunciating each word.  “How _dare_ you?  You selfish self-centered jerk.  You’ve seen me at low after low after low.  You’ve fought my battles _for_ me.  You’ve patched me up more than my mother and she’s a _nurse_.  You’ve picked me up when I’ve been knocked down more times than I can count.  The one time – the _one damn time_ – you need me the most and you feed me this crap?  This crap about you being weak?  You what? Thought I’d think you were pathetic after you lost an arm?  All pity?  Who do you even think I am anymore, James?”  
  
Bucky winced, he hated it when Steve was mad and used his first name.    
  
“ _I_ should have been there.  _All_ of us should have been there.  We’re friends – at least I think we are.  Friends are supposed to be there for each other and you denied us of that. You denied me the opportunity to repay everything you’ve ever done for me.  You took away the chance for me to help you when you _needed_ me.  You _needed_ me Bucky.  You wouldn’t let me be there.  How _dare_ you?”  Steve was shaking, but Bucky was having a hard time telling if it was from sadness or anger.  He was breathing hard, as if he was holding back from yelling.   
  
“I do understand it’s hard.  I do to only a certain extent because I didn’t live it.  Yet you wanted me there and didn’t even tell me.  Bucky I didn’t even know you were shot! You asshole, you could have died and you would have denied me the right to say goodbye!” His eyes were welling up, but he kept blinking the tears away before they could fall.  “I didn’t think I could ever get this mad, and at _you_?  Do you realize how painful it is knowing that you needed me?  You truly, desperately needed me.  You robbed me of being a friend.  You robbed me _of_ my friend. I...”  
  
It was that second Bucky realized Steve wasn’t breathing heavy because he was pissed beyond repair, it was because he was working himself into an asthma attack.   
  
“Dammit Steve,” Bucky said, running passed him as he leaned against the frame, starting to gasp.  He grabbed the inhaler from the night stand and went down on his knees   
where Steve had slid down the frame.  Bucky shook it, popped off the cap and nearly shoved it in his mouth before Steve took it and pressed down for the medication to fill his lungs.  One desperate breath and another puff.   
  
Bucky reached out like he always did during these attacks, but hesitated just above the skin on Steve’s arm, “In, then out.  In, then out.  Calm down, Stevie, please. You need to calm down.  Hate me for the next hundred years but please calm down.”   
  
Steve usually got his breath by now, but he was still struggling, “Another puff Steve.  You have to.”  
  
Steve shakily put the inhaler to his mouth, and Bucky reached up to steady his hand.  Instead of Steve smacking Bucky’s hand away like Bucky felt he deserved, Steve let him steady him.  Like he always did, like he always would.   
  
Bucky leaned his back on the door frame, putting his legs out in a V before himself, reaching out with his right hand to grab Steve and tug him to himself, making him turn until his back was to him.      
  
He pulled Steve close and leaned his back to his chest, “Breathe with me.”  
  
Bucky reached up, running his fingers through Steve’s hair, just like he always did, “In and then out.  Good.  Good, Stevie, just like that.”  
  
It was a very long, very agonizing ten minutes for Steve, but finally his breathing was back to normal.  He tipped his head back against Bucky’s metal shoulder, his face pulled tight and tear tracks down his face.  Bucky leaned forward, resting his forehead on Steve’s shoulder, his right hand sliding forward and intertwining their fingers.    
  
“I’m sorry, Steve,” Bucky lifted his head and pressed his lips against Steve’s shoulder blade, “I’m sorry.”  
  
Bucky pressed a kiss with each sorry that spilled from his lips anywhere his mouth could reach.  Steve gripped his hand so hard Bucky’s fingers went numb.  Yet he kept saying his ‘sorry’s’ and kept pressing his kisses.  It would not fix the wound, but it would start the mending.   
  
“We should go to bed,” Steve croaked out, his voice raw, “We have to be at bunch in four hours.”  
  
Bucky nodded, knowing he didn’t need to say anything, Steve would know.  Yet it took him another few minutes before unlocking their fingers and standing.  He immediately turned around and faced Bucky, holding out his hand to help him up.   
  
Bucky looked into those blue eyes he knew so well, now stained with hurt and dusted with red lines of exhaustion.  He knew what this gesture meant, what significance it held.  He reached up with his left hand – not his right – and let Steve take his hand in one and Steve grabbed his wrist with the other and hauled him up to his feet.   
  
They stood their awkwardly for a moment, staring into each other’s eyes, not knowing what to say or how to end the night.  Steve turned, heading towards his room, Bucky reached out to grab his arm and stop him.   
  
“Stay?”  
  
Steve looked at him with half a glare, his lips pursed. Bucky knows he needs to say it.  He needs to make this right.  He needs to be honest.  
  
He dipped his head and brought it back up when he realized he needed to look Steve in the eye when he said this, “I still have nightmares.  Sometimes every night, sometimes not at all.  I just keep hearing the pops and seeing the gun and wondering if I was going to die.  Sometimes I watch Tony take all the bullets and I stand there as he dies – helpless. Sometimes I’m already dead when it starts, and then you’re just there – alone.  No one to help you.  Sometimes I dream I’m already dead and you’re happy. I…I need you to please stay.”  
  
Steve’s face had slackened, his lips were parted a little in shock, even his eyebrows went up slightly.  Bucky almost immediately regretted it until Steve responded.   
  
“You dream that I’m happy you’re dead?”  
  
Bucky opened his mouth, then let it fall shut, settling for simply nodding.  
  
Steve took the step toward Bucky, grabbing his face with both hands and pressing his lips to Bucky’s, pulling back so their lips touched as he talked, “Bucky, I was mad – to be frank I’m still mad – that you could have died and your pride would have taken my chance away from saying goodbye.”  Steve pulled back a little more, “That your pride and your idiocy and your selfishness and your stupid thought processes robbed me of you.  Please, Bucky, please know that if you died, I would have, too.”  
  
“God Steve, I’m so sorry,” Bucky whispered, the pain in his voice made Steve wince.   
  
“Look Buck, I can forgive you, I can.  Can I forget this?  Probably not.  Will this change things?  God, I hope.  We…I…Us, the past can’t be changed.  What’s done is done.  But we have the future.  We have time to make things right.  You have _years_ to make this up to me.”  
  
Bucky couldn’t help but snort out a laugh, a smile gracing his lips. His right hand coming to rest on Steve’s hip.  Steve returned the smile, “Remember, you and me ‘til the end of the line, pal.”  
  
Bucky leaned forward, barely had to lower his face to press his lips to Steve’s; light and long and full of promises and unspoken words.  

* * *

  
Bucky couldn’t remember the last time he slept so well.  No nightmares, no dreams; just satisfyingly deep.  He hadn’t remembered rolling over and slapping the alarm, or rolling back to Steve who was curled up with his back to him, and wrapping his arm around him and pulling him close.   
  
What he does remember is being woken by an ice bucket full of water having its contents dumped on him and Steve.  They both sat bolt upright, gasping and gawking and wiping at their faces.  
  
“I’m usually all for sleeping in and cuddling, but when Pepper makes plans, she wants them followed through.  Now that you’ve both had your shower, get dressed and meet us for brunch before she comes here herself to drag you two downstairs,” Tony said, placing the bucket on the side table and folding his arms across his chest.   
  
“Tony…this…” Steve started, and Bucky turned to look at him sharply desperate that the ending words weren’t “this isn’t what it looks like”.  “Don’t tell anyone else.  Not yet.”  
  
“I won’t if you’re both dressed and downstairs in ten,” He said lightly.  
  
Bucky and Steve spared one glance at each other and sprang out of bed.    
  
“Wonderful!” Tony said cheerfully, “And Steve, fix Bucky’s hair before coming down!” Tony called as he left the room, “Oh! And strip the bed of the sheets!  I’ll have someone come up and dry it.”  
  
Steve was coming into the room, pulling his shirt over his head making Bucky stop dead in his tracks of hiking his pants up his legs.    
  
Steve really had done a number working out.  Perfect hips with etched lines stopping at his pants line, light muscles shaping his faint six pack, a small trail of hair from the bottom of his belly button disappearing once more at his pants line.  He’d found Steve attractive before.  On more than a few occasions he had stared at him while he changed.  But Steve was now downright sexy, and Bucky was openly staring.  
  
“You alright?  You stuck?” Steve asked, looking genuinely concerned.   
  
Bucky cleared his throat, “No, no, it just gets hard when you only have one hand.”  
  
“I can help,” Steve said.  
  
Bucky paused for a half a second too long it seemed before Steve flushed so red Bucky thought he’d pass out right then and there.   
  
“I didn’t mean…well, I mean…no, I just want to help is all,” He fumbled out, pinching the bridge of his nose.  
  
Bucky couldn’t help but laugh, causing Steve to laugh in return, “I could use the help if we want to make it in ten.  I need your help.”  
  
Steve gave him a small smile, his blush fading as he walked over, crouched down in front of Bucky in one fluid motion and looked up at him.  Bucky’s mind went to a place that he often tried to stay away from when it came to Steve, but seeing him eye level with his crotch looking up at him made him realize if he didn’t unthank about his cock in Steve’s mouth while he looked up at him, they’d have a much more awkward situation at hand.  Steve shimmied up his pants and was kind enough to button and zip them, looking into Bucky’s eyes and unconsciously licking his lips.  Bucky was one second away from saying fuck Brunch but Steve saved him at the last second.  
  
“Turn around so I can fix your hair,” He whispered.  
  
Bucky was sure it sounded like Steve’s voice lowered an octave, even in whisper, and if he had to bet his money, Steve was feeling some of the same things he was.    
  
He turned around and Steve paused, making Bucky turn around again, seeing he was bright pink one more time, “What?”  
  
“I just…I need you on your knees to fix it right.”  
  
Bucky’s eyes probably bugged out of his head, but he turned around and gently went to his knees.  He felt Steve gently pull out the hair tie, hastily run his fingers through his hair, and wrap it up in another bun.   
  
Steve came around in front of him and held out his hand, and once again Bucky’s mind dove head first into the dirtiest, filthiest thoughts involving Steve.  Steve’s dick in his mouth, hands fisting his hair, begging Bucky to let him cum.  He hadn’t thought about Steve like this since before the shooting and damned if it didn’t seem like his dirty thoughts were making up for lost time.   
  
He took Steve’s hand with his right and let him pull him up, letting go of Steve’s hand and grabbing at his waste and pulling them together until their chests were pressed together.  
  
Last night Bucky was waiting for Steve to punch him to the moon and now they were blushing like kids at dirty thoughts and desperately trying to keep their hands off of each other.  Bucky was done trying to hold back, but all this back and forth was making his head spin.  
  
Bucky swallowed, his voice coming out husky, “How much time do we have?”  
  
“Six minutes,” Steve said, licking his lips again to the point Bucky almost groaned.   
  
Instead he pushed Steve back against the wall, pressing their lips together and bringing his hand up to bury it in his hair, grabbing a fist full and earning a gasp from Steve, letting Bucky slide his tongue across his bottom lip and slip it into Steve’s mouth.  Steve moaned lightly into Bucky’s mouth, making Bucky’s cock instantly throb.  It was the hottest sound he’d ever heard.  Steve pushed his hips off the wall, grinding his erection against Bucky’s causing them both to moan into the other’s mouth.  This was going too fast too quick but as Bucky’s tongue danced around Steve’s in the most erotic way possible, his mind was too clouded to care.   
  
Steve’s hands were on Bucky’s hips, pulling him towards him, creating as much friction as possible while Bucky’s hand was trailing down the front of his shirt, to the hemline of his pants.  
  
The knock on the door was so sudden and out of the blue the two sprang apart so harshly that Bucky stumbled and fell over and Steve smacked his head hard enough to most likely leave a lump.  
  
“Rogers!  Barnes!  It’s been five minutes!  MOVE!”  
  
“Almost done.  Seriously, Nat, one minute!” Bucky called back, smoothing out his shirt and trying to picture anything that would cause his boner to disappear.   
  
Steve was flattening his hair, calming his breath and fixing his shirt.  He looked over at Bucky with a small, bashful smile. Bucky walked over and placed a chaste kiss on his lips,   
“Am I making it up to you yet?”  
  
Steve couldn’t help but laugh, turning to towards the door while rubbing his head, “Maybe.”

* * *

  
Bunch was nice.  A few tables had been pushed together and featured an assortment of homemade foods, fresh squeezed juice and good company.  
Pepper wasn’t upset that nearly everyone was late, just happy that everyone came.    
  
“I was hoping if it was okay with everyone that we at least all do one meal together every day, I wanted to know what you all thought about that.”  
  
Sam was supposed to be packing a few of them back into his SUV to find the closest car rental place so everyone could go off and do what they wanted, and Pepper knew that.  No one but Tony was stuck with her full itinerary.  She wanted everyone to do what they wanted and have fun and enjoy this time together.  
  
“I think it’s a great idea,” Steve said, his eye bright as he sat in between Tony and Pepper, his plate full of food.   
  
Natasha had her arm draped over the back of Bucky’s chair, she nudged him, getting him to look at her, “Breakfast, lunch or dinner?”  
  
“I say we try for Breakfast,” Bucky said, nodding to Natasha, “It seems like the best bet given that we don’t know who will be out doing what and when.”  
  
“Right, at least with breakfast we are all sleeping here and waking up here – so I say it’s doable, Pepper,” Natasha said.   
  
“As long as the food is this good, I’ll be here for all of them,” Sam said, getting Clint to make a sound of agreement while his mouth was stuffed with food.  He nudged Sam with his elbow, nodding towards the food with his eyebrows raised.  Sam nodded back, shoveling another spoonful of food into his mouth.  Natasha snorted from across from them, shaking her head with a small smile.    
  
“I’m fine with anything, really,” Bruce said, sitting next to Clint at the far end from Pepper.   
  
“And of course darling, whatever you say goes,” Tony said over Steve’s head, smiling.   
  
“Okay, perfect,” Pepper beamed.   
  
“Did you find the car rental place?” Bucky asked Sam, who put his fist over his mouth as he chewed and swallowed his food.  
  
“About half hour from here, near Saranac Lake.”  
  
“Pepper, I know you said no phones at the table, but you mind if I pull mine out and Google the place, maybe set up some plans for the day?” Bucky asked.  
  
“Oh the no phones rule was only for Tony,” She said laughing.  
  
In unity it seemed, the entire table pulled out their phones, making Pepper laugh even harder, and Tony to set his head gently on the table.   
  
“Why no phones for Tony?” Steve asked.  
  
“Because the last thing I need is for a helicopter flying in to bring him something he doesn’t need,” Pepper said.  “Didn’t I tell you about the time we were at dinner and he had wine brought to the restaurant mid-meal by helicopter?  Ever since – he’s not allowed his phones at meals.”  
  
The table cracked up at the most typical Tony thing ever.    
  
“How many times do you have flowers flown in when you screw up, Stark?” Clint called down the table.  
  
“Oh, two, three times a week,” Bruce answered, nodding his head like this was common knowledge.   
  
“Damn Pepper, you have an entire garden?” Natasha joked.  
  
She shrugged, leaning back to smile over at Tony, “Sometimes.  You should have seen when he proposed.  I had to get half the company help me repurpose them there were so many.  Lined the sidewalk, the walkway…”  
  
“Basically anywhere I could put them,” Tony said.   
  
“Wait, Pep, aren’t you living in a condo?”   
  
She smiled a Steve, nodding, “He paid off my neighbors to go out for the night.  Except Mr. Daniels on floor one, he can’t get out much by himself at eighty-something.  So Tony bought him a new TV to watch…”  
  
“Where in the hell did you send all her neighbors?” Clint asked.  
  
“He made me call and rent out this nice restaurant down the road,” Bruce said.   
  
“He was the perfect wingman,” Tony called.   
  
“He was also kind enough to make sure Tony didn’t make a ring so big it weighed me down,” Pepper smiled down the table at Bruce who smiled in return.    
  
“How’d it go after that?  We get the picture, lots of flowers and you buying out the whole neighborhood,” Sam asked, “How’d it all go down?”  
  
“Well, the security detail really made it just so…” Tony rolled his hand in the air, “Romantic.  Dad was already past furious when I snuck out of hiding to see her.  Even with fifteen men with me.  I hadn’t seen her since the whole shooting.  So Brucie here snuck me out to the jewelry store in the worst disguise costume ever with even _more security_.  I had to get the right setting for the stone.”  
  
“Christ Stark, you were beggin’ for it weren’t you?  At least Bucky had the common sense to stay low and quiet.”  
  
Bucky looked down at his plate, clenching his teeth so hard it hurt.  He refused to look at Steve or Tony.  They both knew the truth.  He didn’t need to stay low, he didn’t need to hide, he wasn’t in any danger.  He was just a coward.  He let his eyes flutter shut, pursing his lips and staying quiet.   
  
“You really expect _me_ , Tony Stark, to stay hidden from some asshole that wants me dead?” Tony asked, actually sounding offended.   
  
“I wasn’t thrilled when he showed up at my doorstep, either,” Pepper said.  
  
Natasha rolled her eyes, “Go ahead with your story.”  
  
Bucky still hadn’t looked up, and now he was pinching the bridge of his nose.    
  
Natasha leaned over to his ear, “Did you not sleep last night?  You know that always gives you headaches.”  
  
“No, I’m fine.  I’ll grab some Tylenol when we’re done,” He said, lifting his head and looking back to Tony.  His eyes flicked to Steve, who was looking at him with pure concern.  Not anger or disappointment or anything.  He gave him a little smile, which he returned.   
  
“So I and my armada take Pepper to her favorite ice cream place.  Explaining why I had gone dark, why she couldn’t say anything about me, that I’m alive, and she doesn’t need to kill me.  She smacked the hell out of me, but it was worth it.  So we each get a cup of ice cream and enjoy our time at the most heavily guarded ice cream spot in town.  Gave their tip jar a generous tip considering I killed business for an hour.  Now meanwhile Bruce here was leading a team of heavily armed guards and personnel from Stark Industries to set up vase after vase of flowers.  Roses, lilies, sunflowers – a lot of others I don’t care to know about.  So finally time is up and I take her home.  At this point it’s dusk and as soon as the lights his the side walk she asks me what the hell is that.”  
  
Everyone at the table laughs, even Pepper starts cracking up, “So I run around to grab her door while that made my guards run around and yell at me for running.  So I walk her up to her condo, followed by my army – who were sweet enough to sweep the place then give us privacy – where I spilled my guts and asked her.  I even went down on one knee.”  
  
“Damn,” Clint whistled.   
  
“I know, me, getting on my knees, even if it’s just one.  At any rate, she said yes, and then I had to leave again.  But I told her give me awhile and I’d plan a vacation away.  All of us.  Have some fun.  By then maybe they’ll catch the guy.”  
  
“He just so happens to be the luckiest man alive, considering they caught the guy a week ago.”  
  
“So it’s like…a celebration of me and Bucky being safe and sound!  As well as our wonderful engagement.”  
  
“Well then,” Sam said, lifting his juice glass, “To the happy couple.  May you make sure we’re all your groomsmen, because we’re the only ones who can stop your ass from going crazy at your bachelor party.”  
  
The table lifted their glasses, laughing, toasting to the couple.   
  
“Alright team, let’s move out in an hour.  Go grab some cars and do…” Sam trailed off looking to everyone who had their phones sitting on the table.  
  
“New lake,” Clint said.  
  
“Hiking,” Bucky said.  
  
“Art gallery and museum,” Bruce added.  
  
“Oooh,” Pepper said, “I didn’t know there was an art gallery nearby.”  
  
She began nibbling on her lip, pulling out her phone and looking at their schedule.  Tony reached around Steve and poked Pepper in the arm, “Come on.  Live without the structure for one week.  You obviously want to see it.  Let’s go live.”  
  
Pepper looked at Tony for the briefest moment, and Bucky knew that look.  The one that she knew she almost lost someone she cares for, and all she wanted to do was have the two of them live.   
  
“Okay,” She relented, “Okay, only a little.”  
  
“Bruce, you mind if we tag along?”  
  
Bruce shook his head, “Not at all.  Maybe you guys take me to get my car?”  
  
“Sounds like a plan.  Alright team, let’s vacation!” Tony yelled.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading:  
> As always, I always appreciate kudos or feedback - and to everyone who has - thank you so much.  
> My inbox is always open over on my tumblr (which I might be getting a new one soon - a lot more fan-centric opposed to this one). Plus I always like following fellow Stucky lovers.


	4. All Technical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't resist posting a chapter on Steve's birthday. Decided to slide in some quick solo play per Bucky to celebrate. Enjoy!

Steve took a seat on the fallen tree that bridged the gap over a small stream, dangling his legs over the edge.  Bucky followed suit, handing him the tube that was attached to his water pack.  He took his own few swigs next, sighing in content.  
  
“How’s your breathing?” Bucky asked, looking him up and down.  While one part of his brain was focused on this morning’s heated events while staring down a sweaty and flushed Steve, he always worried about his breathing when they were outside.  For any length of time outside with any activity, especially in the middle of the woods, Steve’s allergies could kick his asthma into high gear.  
  
“It’s good,” Steve said, the tiniest of wheezes escaping him, causing Bucky to glare.  
  
“Okay, okay, it’s a little tight, I’ll take a puff,” Steve said, reaching under his shirt.  
  
The sight made Bucky’s heart swell.  The same little braided necklace was newly fashioned around a different inhaler.  Steve popped the top off, shook it and inhaled one puff before popping the cap back on.  Before he could put it back under his shirt, Bucky reached over with his right hand and fiddled with the worn to hell yarn.  
  
“I can’t believe you still have this,” Bucky said, a smile brightening his face.  
  
Steve shrugged, acting like it wasn’t a big deal, “This thing is sturdy.  It got me through years of PE and then Natasha Romanov’s workout routine.  Never failed to hang on.  So why trash something that’s still good?”  
  
“Sentimental shit,” Bucky smirked, causing Steve to shove him.  
  
“Then tell me why you still have our first picture together in your wallet?” Steve said, “I saw it when you were getting out your ID for the car.”  
  
Bucky’s bobbed mouth up and down, before shrugging and having his face split into a grin, “Because I’m a sentimental shit.”  
  
The two of them fell into laughter, leaning against each other for support.  
  
“I know it’s only been six months, but I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages,” Steve confessed, “I feel like there is just so much catching up to do.”  
  
“And a week to do it?” Bucky asked, because that’s how he it felt.  
  
Steve made a face as if he smelled something funny, “It’s weird, because it does.  I know I’ll talk to you and I know I’ll see you but if feels like we only have this week.”  
  
“Because phone calls and video chats aren’t the same,” Bucky sighed, “That’s why.”  
  
“Can I ask you a question?  Maybe start the catching up now?”  
  
Bucky shrugged, enjoying the break from the hiking.  He wasn’t in the shape he used to be.  He had done as much as he physically could stand while holed with Tony and mostly himself.  Yet his stamina just wasn’t the same.  
  
“On one condition,” He said suddenly, stopping Steve just as he opened his mouth, “Please.”  
  
Steve pursed his lips, lifting one brow, “I’ll consider.”  
  
“Let’s keep the talks light hearted.  Please.  Let’s have fun out here.  I know you and I have some things that just might come up and it can’t be helped, but I’d rather have any serious questions or horrible replays or confusing feeling done back at the lodge.  Just us.”  
  
 Steve knew what he meant by ‘just us’.  No distractions, nothing that could take away their focus or attention.  No beautiful spark of nature or stopping for photos to distract them.  Just them.  
  
“Okay.  While we both know why you chose the school you chose, why in the hell did you pick the majors you did, and why two?  I’ve been dying to ask you, but…we just couldn’t get back into the groove of talking right.”  
  
Bucky felt his lips twitch side to side, realizing again that was his fault.  Yet the uncomfortable reason behind his real reason for his school choices made him want to sink down to the tiny creek and float away.  
  
“They’re good careers.  Both pay well.  Enough to support a family.”  
  
Steve’s face barely fell, it was hardly noticeable, but Bucky noticed.  
  
“You have to promise and swear to me you won’t be mad,” Bucky said, sighing.  
  
“No,” Steve said, “Nope. Not happening. Spill your shit.”  
  
Bucky cocked an eyebrow, “When did you start cursing so much?”  
  
“When the person I ended up talking to the most was Natasha,” Steve said lightly, trying his best not to make it sound hurtful.  It was a little impossible.  
  
“Fine. I changed my major at the last second and added another on top of it.  See, my best friend had this brilliant notion to dedicate his life to art.  You’re good at it mind you – so don’t give me that glare. Now, that’s not saying he wasn’t going to be successful, because I believe in my heart of hearts he will.  Yet the small fear that creeps in the back of my mind is that he won’t be able to make ends meet.  I always hear about starving artists.  Could never stand to see _you_ like that.  So I aimed for a good paying career path.  Enough to take care of you and our moms and Rebecca.  Might not be high living, but I just didn’t want anyone to struggle.  If one doesn’t pan out, I always have the other as a backup.  That way you don’t have to toss away your dream to get some shit job and Winifred and Sarah can actually retire and Rebecca can bust her own ass in college to be honest.”  
  
Steve was smiling at Bucky, looking at him as if he was made of pure gold.  His eyes were searching his face, his smile dopey.  Bucky pulled his head back.  
  
“You look like you’re going to eat me.  You want a protein bar?”  
  
Steve laughed a little, but shook his head, “No.  No I don’t want a protein bar.  So, I’m guessing this set you back?”  
  
Bucky sighed, turning his back to Steve, pointing at his hair with a quiet please, “It will.  I’m going to have to just take summer classes.  Just year around school I think.  I don’t know when I’ll get a break like this.”  
  
Steve frowned after he re-twisted the bun back atop Bucky’s head, “Who’s going to do your hair at school?”  
  
Buck turned back so he was sitting side by side with Steve, genuinely laughing at the blond, “I’ll have to cut it.  There isn’t any way around it.”  
  
Steve’s frown deepened into a scowl, making Bucky elbow him, “What, don’t want me to chop it off?”  
  
“No, I like it long,” Steve admitted.  He also wanted to say how sexy he looked with it tossed back in a sloppy bun, a few strands always coming loose in his face.  How downright hot he looked when he saw him with it down.  Steve wanted to grab hold of that damn bun and yank Bucky’s face to his.   
  
“I’ll grow it back out when I can use my arm right, okay?” Bucky said lightly.   
  
“So it sounds like I’ll have to visit _you_ on campus during breaks.  I know your schedule is going to be hell, but do you think maybe, when we both go back to school, we could set up like a night a week for a phone call or a video chat or something?”  
  
“Like a date night,” Bucky deadpanned.  
  
Steve searched those gray eyes for a hint of sarcasm or jest, but he found none.  He couldn’t figure out what was going on between the two of them, but it seemed like Bucky was just trying to let it happen.  Steve could respect that to an extent, but whenever he decided he could pluck up the courage, he was going to ask him outright what was going on.  It was blatantly apparent they were attracted to each other, that they wanted each other, that there were deeper feelings involved than just friendship, but they just kept everything at arm’s length when it came to addressing it.  
  
“Date night,” Steve agreed, trying to hold back a smile.  
  
“Soon as we get our schedules, we’ll put it stone.  How’s your ma?”  
  
Bucky sounded a little wistful at asking about Sarah.  She was like his second mother, after all.  This had been the longest he had gone without talking to her since he had met her.  He no doubt missed all the things Steve missed.  Her homemade lemonade, her famous peanut butter cookies, the way she told stories when she’d get home from work – with fire and sympathy and laughter.  The way she’d sing out of tune, just like Steve did, when she did anything around the house.  All the small things.  
  
“She’s been good.  Keeps saying she’s having empty nest syndrome with me gone.  Took a promotion as Lead Nurse and went back to day shift. Oh, and she started dating again.  Asked me before she went on her first date since dad if it was okay.”  
  
“She find anyone long term yet?”  
  
Steve made a so-so gesture with his hand, “She met this doctor, they’ve gone on a ton of dates, but still nothing official.”  
  
“Oh come on, that guy better get serious or I’ll give him serious,” Bucky muttered.  
  
Steve laughed so loud he scared the birds from the trees, “Buck, we aren’t kids in the school yard.  They’re adults, they’ll figure it out.”  
  
Bucky let out a long sigh, “Man I miss her lemonade.”  
  
“How’d Winifred and Rebecca?”  
  
Bucky winced, “Well, Mom just started a new job.  Lost the last one for taking too much time off for me after the shooting.  Rebecca still isn’t speaking to me.  She was the one who tried convincing me to call everyone and invite you all over for some part of the healing process.  When I cut the phone call short she was furious.  I threw and smashed her phone.  It’s been a pure shouting match every time our paths cross after that.  Tony was nice enough to get her a new phone.”  
  
Steve wanted to comment, but it was treading in the dangerous territory of serious and uncomfortable conversation, which they didn’t want right now.  They needed to keep it light.  
  
“How much room do we have left on the SD card?” Steve asked, looking over at Bucky’s fancy camera.   
  
Bucky learned he could put his metal hand in different positions before using his right to adjust the lens and snap the picture without worrying about crushing the camera.  
  
“Maybe two hundred?  I didn’t dump the card before we left.”  
  
“That’s fine, we’ve been out here all day.  We have to start heading back anyway.  Don’t want to be out here after dark.”  
  
Bucky nodded, sliding down off the log and onto a large rock, big enough to have eight people standing on it. The creek went around it, making the top dry and easy to stand on.  The other small rocks covered in algae and were just slipping hazards waiting to happen.  Bucky’s camera hung down against his upper stomach, his camelback pack still half full of water against his back.  He reached his hand up but Steve was already sliding down and landing with the same clumsy grace he always had.  He landed on the edge, half on and half off and on the way to falling.  Instinct made Bucky reach out with his left hand since it was the one closest to Steve.  
panic made him hold back on gripping down.  
  
He managed to pull Steve back onto the rock before he submerged his leg or twisting his ankle or fall and bust his face against a rock.  Bucky yanked his hand back.  
  
“Are you alright?  Did I hurt you?”  Bucky was trying to grab Steve’s arm with his right hand, his face full of panic.  
  
Steve raised that arm up, placing his hand on Bucky’s chest gently.  He could feel his heart pounding though his chest a million miles a minute.  
  
“I’m okay, look. Not even a scratch.  You didn’t even grip down all the way,” Steve said gently.   
  
Bucky still looked panicked and he was trying to calm himself down.  Remind himself Steve was okay and to not let this ruin their day.  Yet the thought of pure instinct that could have left Steve hurt because of _him_ made him want to beg the Stark’s to take the arm back.  
  
“Hey, Buck, it’s okay.  You’re instinct helped me.  Get out of that dark pit of yours and come back to me.  I’m fine.  You’re never going to hurt me,” Steve said gently.  
  
With each passing second, he could feel Bucky’s pounding heart settle under his palm, making his smile grow more and more by the second.  He leaned up, placing a kiss on Bucky’s lips, running his hand down the front of Bucky’s shirt.  Steve nearly groaned.  Bucky still had those stomach muscles he used to both envy and pine after.   
Steve pulled back, reached down and taking Bucky’s right hand in his own, pointed in the direction they needed to head and off they went.  
  
They ended up having dinner with Sam, Clint and Natasha at some truck stop that had the best burgers any of them had ever sunk their teeth into.     
  
They ended up hanging out in Clint and Natasha’s suite, which had a fireplace, where they sat around and chatted and joked.  Bucky was wedged between Sam and Clint while Steve had his head in Natasha’s lap while she played with his hair.  They had already gorged themselves on s’mores and were waiting for Tony, Pepper and Bruce to get back to maybe eat more.  
  
“So then she asks me what my life path was, why I’m in aviation.  This lady was trying to get real deep.  Now this is ten minutes in our first date – a blind date.  Here’s the kicker…I never _told_ her I was going into aviation.”  
  
Natasha laughed, “Ha!  Facebook stalker?”  
  
“Twitter?” Clint guessed.  
  
“Instagram?” Bucky asked.  
  
“Probably Farmville,” Steve chuckled from the floor.  
  
“You’re still just jealous I’ve made more progress than you,” Sam defended.  
  
“Okay, well how’d she know?” Natasha urges.  
  
“Never found out.  As soon as I asked her how she knew that, she literally grabbed up her purse and walked out as calmly as possible.  Like it never happened.”  
  
The room burst out laughing.  
  
“What did you do after that?” Clint asked.  
  
“Well, I ordered my damn food, first of all.  A man can enjoy a meal with himself alone.  Then I texted my friend and told him if he ever tried to get me out on a blind date again, I’d punch him so hard _he’d_ go blind,” Sam said with a smile. “What about you Steve, you get out there and chance the field yet?  Romanov got you all man pretty and shit.”  
  
The room laughed again, but Bucky saw Natasha swell up a little with pride, yet Steve waved Sam off.  
  
“Oh come on, all those artists probably are following you around, begging you to pose nude,” Clint laughed.  
  
Steve was concentrating hard on not blushing, Bucky could see it in his face.   
  
“Just not interested in “chancing the field”, guys,” Steve said shrugging.  
  
“ _Oh_ , I see,” Sam said with a smile, “Someone has already got someone.”  
  
Steve laughed outright, “ _No_.”  
  
Bucky had to hold back a wince and work hard to keep his face neutral.  
  
“Got your mind on someone though, you’re holding back a grin with all your damn might,” Natasha said.  
  
“I have my mind on a lot of people, like how all of you are all assholes,” Steve said.  
  
“Oh shit, Steve has got his mind on all of us!  ORGY!” Sam laughed, lunging over at Clint and Bucky, knocking the three of them over.  
  
“My, I come back to this wonderful lodge with an announcement of an orgy and all I see is promises of s’mores and possibly a wrestling match,” Tony said, standing in the doorway with Pepper.  Bruce already walked into the room and went towards Natasha and Steve, who were closest to the s’mores.  Steve sat up and handed him a stick while Bruce grabbed the marshmallows.  
  
The three men sat back up laughing, Bucky and Clint shoving at Sam.   
  
“We’re just discussing everyone’s love life,” Natasha informed him.  
  
Tony made a sweeping gesture with his hand at Pepper, “Done.”  
  
The two made their way over to Bruce and Steve, who were starting to roast more marshmallows.  
  
“Apparently Steve “isn’t interested” in anyone,” Clint filled them in, “And Sam here shouldn’t go out on blind dates.  All three were horrible – you missed nothing with those stories.”  
  
“Well of course Steve doesn’t have anyone in mind.  Have you seen him toting around all his art supplies?  Come now.  I’m sure if he could date his sketch book, he would,” Tony said.  
  
“I’m sure all your blind dates weren’t _that_ horrible,” Bruce said, piecing together his s’more.  
  
The entire room made a noise of questioning, a few murmurs, and then Sam nodded, “See.”  
  
Bruce made a pained face, “Good Lord, I don’t want to know.”  
  
Tony took a graceful seat next to Sam, bouncing his eyebrows up and down, “Share your awkward pain.”  
  
Steve and Natasha came over to Clint and Bucky with a plate of s’mores, one for each of them.  
  
“I keep thinking I can’t eat another and I manage to eat two more after,” Clint said before taking a bite.  
  
“I’ll roll you down to the lake later,” Natasha said, patting his cheek affectionately.  
  
“More fishing?” Steve asked, hopeful.  
  
“I’m wanting to,” Natasha said, “I still have a bet that needs to be followed through with.”  
  
“Oh, I don’t want to intrude,” Steve instantly said.  
  
“Pfft, hardly.  You in, Bucky?”  
  
He nodded, his mouth full of food.  The rest of the group declined the offer, desperate for sleep after such a long day doing their outings after not sleeping much.  
  
“Alright, let’s go grab the poles,” Natasha said.  
  
Clint swatted at her playfully, “Not in front of the children!”  
  
Bucky and Steve laughed at the joke, and then Natasha let go of Clint half way through helping him up, letting him fall on his butt, causing Bucky and Steve to laugh even harder.  
  


* * *

Natasha won who would catch the first fish, Clint won who would catch the biggest.  Bucky got redemption from the night before and caught a fish he could actually hold up for the picture.  Steve managed to catch four in the span of two hours, putting everyone to shame.  Each picture Bucky took his smile got bigger and bigger until the last one he had been laughing while Natasha cursed at him in Russian as she began getting everyone to pack up.  

  
They said their goodnight's when they got back to the lodge and went their separate ways.   
  
“I am so ready to take a shower.  I can literally feel the extra layer of dirt and sweat.  It’s disgusting.”  
  
Bucky laughed, “All yours, just leave me hot water, okay?  Not like those times we’d be at each other’s houses and you’d go first and drain it all.”  
  
“I think this lodge can support my habits,” Steve said indignantly.  
  
“Okay, but I also don’t want to wait all night,” Bucky added, “I smell like fish and s’mores.”  
  
“Either put up with it or get in with me,” Steve said bluntly.  
  
It took a lot to make Bucky blush, but Steve seemed to be making it an easy job lately.   
  
“That’s what I thought,” Steve said.  
  
Bucky decided to turn the tables, “What in the actual hell would you do if I said yes, and started getting undressed right here and right now?”  
  
Steve’s neck was the first to turn bright pink and it traveled quickly all the way up to his hairline.  
  
“That what _I_ thought.”  
  
Steve rolled his eyes and pursed his lips, watching as Bucky turned and went to his room and sat on the floor to lean against the bed.  Steve had all the courage in the world to fight the good fight, to challenge bullies and stick up for anyone who needed it.  Yet when it came to Bucky, it didn’t go very far.  He grabbed his towel from his dresser as he rid himself of his shoes and went into the bathroom.  
  
Usually he loved taking the longest, hottest showers possible.  It gave him time to clear his mind and think properly.  It was usually where he came up with his next art piece idea.  Yet this time he kept it to necessary doings.  He washed himself and washed his hair and then cut the shower off.  He wrapped the towel around his waist and grabbed his dirty clothes on the way out.  He walked out of the room and waved his clothes to get Bucky’s attention from the television.  
  
“Done!” Steve shouted, making Bucky snap his head towards him, obviously having been engrossed in something on television.  
  
Bucky forgot to breathe for a good solid second.  Seeing Steve in nothing but a towel and dripping wet from the shower made him want to relive how they were this morning right here and now.  Yet Steve was already walking towards his room, and in a blink the door was shut behind him.   
  
Bucky sighed, grabbing his own towels and a clean pair of boxers and pants and headed towards the shower.  One part of Bucky wanted to kick down Steve’s door and finish what the hell they started this morning.  The other, slightly more rational part knew that things shouldn’t go too fast too soon.  
  
Scrubbing off all the dirt and grime made his shower one of the most satisfying showers he’d taken in years.  Yet the images kept creeping in his mind with what would have happened if he had decided to take a shower with Steve.  To feel every square inch of his body.  To kiss every part of him he could reach.  Bucky’s cock started to throb at the mere thought of Steve crouching in front of him, water pounding Bucky’s back as he faced him.  He could picture Steve fully dropping to his knees, reaching up to grab at his cock and put those pretty pink lips around it before hollowing out his cheeks as he took the length of his dick in stride.  
  
Bucky’s hand was wrapping around his throbbing cock, stroking slowly, circling his thumb at the tip and causing himself to shudder at the sensitivity.  He began stoking at the speed he imagined Steve’s mouth would be bobbing up and down, those blue eyes looking up him.  Bucky sucked in his bottom lip and bit down, stopping himself from groaning.  It had been so long since he had jerked off, so long since he had an orgasm, he was already so close.  He pictured his right hand tangled in Steve’s hair, making the blond form a wicked grin around his cock before he made sure the tip of Bucky’s cock hit the back of his throat.   
  
Bucky felt his jaw slacken as he came and then instantly clapped his mouth shut and clenched his jaw to try desperately to keep quiet.  He shuddered and had to lean against the tile to stop his legs from giving out from under him.  
  
He hastily washed his hand under the water and stood there for a few moments under the hot stream to get his bearings.  He cut off the shower and stepped out.  He toweled off his hair first, then dried himself off before tugging on his boxers and lounge pants.  He tossed his other towel over his head and began trying to dry off his hair some more, hating it when the cold droplets hit his skin.  
  
He came out of the bathroom and turned towards his room, tossing his clothes on the floor and pulling the towel down around his shoulders.  Steve was sitting on his bed, fiddling with a hair tie and a hairbrush, blushing from head to toe as he looked down.   
  
“Well glad I came out with pants on,” Bucky laughed.  
  
Steve was looking more at Bucky’s stomach than his face, but he flushed even deeper, “I…I didn’t think that part through.  I just had realized you would need help and got hooked into this _’48 Hours’_ episode you were watching.”  
  
Bucky’s eyes bugged a little, “Is it over?  Who was the killer?”  
  
“The step sister,” Steve said solemnly.  
  
Bucky snapped his fingers, “Damn!  I totally called brother-in-law.”  
  
Steve laughed at him, “Get a shirt on and come here so I can do your hair and we can go to sleep.  I’m dead tired.”  
  
“I’ll get the shirt after.  No point putting it on and you getting it wet from my hair,” Bucky said, coming over and sitting on the floor in front of Steve.  
  
Bucky was really starting to like it when Steve did his hair.  It was an excuse for them to touch, of course.  Steve was always gentle.  He always took extra time running his fingers through Bucky’s hair, and it always seemed to instantly relax Bucky.  
  
“We should leave it down to dry,” Steve said suddenly, still brushing it out.  
  
 “Whatever you say, pal,” Bucky muttered, nearly falling asleep where he sat.   
  
Steve put the brush down on the bed, his hands coming to rest on Bucky’s shoulders and sliding down his chest, crossing over each other as he leaned down into the embrace.  Bucky reached his right hand up and held on to one of Steve’s wrist’s, rubbing his thumb back and forth.  
  
“Bucky…” Steve sighed, “Can I sleep in here again tonight?”  
  
Bucky couldn’t help but smile, “Please.”  
  
He tapped on Steve’s arm, giving him the signal to let go, and got himself up.  Bucky looked towards the dresser, then back to Steve.  
  
“Do you mind if I don’t sleep with a shirt?”  
  
“Nope,” Steve said a little too fast, causing Bucky to smile.   
  
Bucky went and flicked off the light while Steve pulled back the covers and the two of them climbed into bed, the television still on to give them a little light and background noise.   
  
Steve wanted to pluck up the courage to ask Bucky, so badly, what was going between them.  It was confusing, to one second be wrapped in each other’s arms and then the next when they’re in front of all their friends, they part.  Was it just confusion?  Or desire?  Or something more substantial?  Were they ready for something like that?  Would he want something like that?  
  
“If you think any harder, smoke will billow from your ears,” Bucky said groggily.  He was so wiped out.  Such little sleep and then hiking and fishing.  He was so tired.  
  
Steve laughed, reaching up and pushing some of the wet hair out of Bucky’s face and behind his head.  
  
“What’s ticking in that brain of yours?  You look worried.”  
  
This was Steve’s moment, and he knew he’d falter, “Worried we won’t have enough time to catch up.”  
  
“Then go grab your sketch book.  I’ve been dying to see it.  I never got a chance that night to see anything.  They’re always better in person anyway.”  
  
Steve gave him a warm smile and slipped out of bed, going into his room and grabbing his sketch book, and coming back into the room.  He found Bucky propped up, the blankets at his waist and his upper half exposed.  He wanted to run his hands up those abs Bucky still had, to go back to running his fingers through his hair, to have his arms wrapped around him.  
  
“You stuck?” Bucky called, a sly grin on his face.  
  
Steve didn’t realize he stopped walking and just decided to stare.  It wasn’t the first time it happened, seeing Bucky in some way and having his brain just short-circuiting.  
  
“No, no, I’m fine,” Steve said, in no way recovering.   
  
He came over and climbed back into bed, sitting up next to Bucky and leaning against his metal arm.  It was cool to the touch and made him shiver, but he decided he’d let his body heat warm it up and stay where he was.  
  
Steve opened the book from beginning, and began flipping the pages, silently telling a story.  One of pain from relocating.  Moving away from his family and friends.  Pain of separation from his best friend.  Of confusion and hurt.  Of worry and fear.  
  
Bucky was used to seeing Steve’s art.  He’d grown up watching his skill grow into something breath taking, but this was darker than he’d ever gone.  It broke Bucky’s heart.  
  
There were pictures in there of him, just like Tony had said.  If Bucky had to guess, Tony flipped through it uninvited. Yet Tony was right, in Steve’s eyes, Bucky was something else.   
  
The one picture that he hated and loved was the one that the only thing Steve colored were their eyes.  The two of them standing so far apart, looking away from each other.  It made Bucky’s heart crumble and crumble and crumble.  
  
He didn’t think he could feel more guilt than he already did.  He really didn’t think it was possible.  After putting Steve through all of this to the point he worked himself into an asthma attack, he thought he could feel no greater guilt.  Yet it was like reliving it all in slow, silent motion.   
  
“I know I screwed up that night,” Bucky said suddenly, his fingers hovering just over the paper of the picture.  “I know we both screwed up that night.”  
  
Steve was looking down at the picture, it was so much easier than looking at Bucky.  Bucky was the one that said they couldn’t do what they had done.  Yet he was the one who kissed Steve again in the apartment.  They both kept making these advances and touching and holding and things that Steve thought Bucky said they couldn’t have between them.   
  
“I shouldn’t have said some of the things I said, and I should have said things I meant to, instead.  To push you away because I was scared was unfair.  It robbed us of even more time.”  
  
“What were you scared of?” Steve asked, feeling like he was gaining traction again.  
  
“Us,” Bucky said with a sad chuckle, “Us with states between us.  Living separate lives, growing up and growing apart.  Of us being faced with change, because it is inevitable.  What if that change came between us?  What if, what if, what if?  What if something happened to us and we just weren’t who we are anymore?”  
  
“Like if we were in a relationship and we broke up,” Steve said barely above a whisper.  
  
“Could we being in a relationship even work?  Would it handle the distance?  Could we even risk our friendship for that?  Were we willing?  I panicked.  All these thoughts slammed into me and I just shut something down before we could put more thought into it.  Then I drove a wedge between us over what I was scared would happen.  It was so damn stupid.  I was stupid.”  
  
Steve let the quiet hover between them for a few moments, “I regretted kissing you.”  
  
Bucky’s jaw tightened but he couldn’t look at Steve, those words had stung.  
  
“I thought that, if I never had, this all wouldn’t have ever happened.  None of it.”  
  
“Steve, you kissing me didn’t cause a butterfly effect,” Bucky said lightly.  
  
“But it ruined everything,” Steve said so sadly, Bucky could practically hear Steve’s heart shattering at the words.  
  
Bucky moved his metal hand as carefully as he could so he could place it over Steve’s.  He moved it slowly, waiting for Steve’s signal.  
  
“Right there,” He said gently.  
  
“It didn’t ruin anything, Stevie,” Bucky said lightly.  
  
Steve looked over at Bucky and the brunette wanted to take back this entire conversation because of that look in Steve’s eyes.  It carried all the weight of all the sadness, hurt, anger, pain – all in one dull look.   
  
“If it ruined everything then why are we sharing my bed looking at your depressing art?”  
  
Steve couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips, which made Bucky’s own curve into a smile.  
  
“It’s expressive,” Steve defended.  
  
“It’s damn depressing, Steve,” Bucky deadpanned, making Steve laugh even harder.  
  
“Now this,” Bucky said, flipping to the most recent page, the starting sketch of Bucky holding his tiny fish, a laugh obviously taking him.  “This is what I’m talking about.  My glorious moment, full of laughs.  Are your professors concerned about you?”  
  
Steve nudged his shoulder against Bucky, making him laugh, “Okay, okay I’ll lay off.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“It’s all still amazing, by the way.  All jokes aside.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“I miss you when you’re in Chicago,” Bucky confessed.   
  
“I think about dropping out of the school to go to NYU all the time,” Steve admitted.  
  
Bucky searched Steve’s eyes for a hint of a lie or falter and felt his heart fall, “You do that, I’ll ship you back in a box.  This is your dream.  Don’t throw away your dream for your mom, or home or-”  
  
“You,” Steve whispered, “Just for you.”  
  
Bucky leaned forward and with just a brush of lips, kissed the thanks he had for Steve into meaning.  He reached his right hand over and cupped his face, searching his eyes.  
  
“I don’t regret you kissing me.”  
  
Steve smiled a kind smile, but Bucky could see the sadness behind it.  
  
“You still do?”  
  
Steve gave a small chuckle, “No, I dreamed about doing that for years.  I just regret what it did to us.”  
  
“I like being able to kiss you more, personally.  Maybe it’s just me,” Bucky said with a smile, causing Steve to laugh again.  
  
Bucky dropped his right hand and took back his left, moving to lay down in the bed and holding his arm out for Steve to lay next to him.  Steve laid his head on Bucky’s chest, listening to his hearts’ slow rhythm.  Steve pulled the blanket up over them again.  
  
“Hey Buck?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Did you ever think about kissing me?”  
  
Steve heard the rumble of a laugh that poured out of Bucky, “Steve, you really have no idea how long I dreamed it would happen.”  
  
“Bucky?”  
  
“Yeah?” He answered back, his voice sounding more and more weighed down by sleep by the second.  He was so tired.  He wanted to stay up all night and talk to Steve and maybe sort some things out.   
  
“Do you think it can work?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“This…” Steve said lightly, “Whatever is going on between us.”  
  
Bucky was silent for so long, Steve thought he’d gone to sleep, and when he finally lifted his head to readjust his body he found Bucky staring up at the ceiling in thought.   
  
“You don’t have to answer that,” Steve said a little meekly.   
  
“No,” Bucky sighed, “You deserve an answer. I just…I don’t know what’s going on with us.  I mean I do, but I don’t.  I just know that I almost lost you two ways; one, because I was too scared that we would fall apart and lose each other and two, I almost died.”  
  
“Do you think it could?”  
  
“I’m honestly terrified it wouldn’t,” Bucky admitted quietly. He knew there was no going back to how they were before Steve plucked up the courage and kissed him.  
  
“What were you going to say to me that night?  Before you changed your mind and got scared?” Steve asked, genuinely curious.  He was laying down now next to Bucky, the pillow tucked under his head.  He reached for him under the covers, resting his hand on his chest.  
  
Bucky looked over at him, his eyes growing wide with more panic, and made Steve pull back and hold up his hand, “Never mind.  Please.  Don’t answer _that_.  You look like you might run.”  
  
Bucky let out a choked laugh, “One step at a time, pal, okay?”  
  
Steve didn’t press any further, “Okay.”  
  
“Let’s sleep? Please,” Bucky asked, his lids sinking lower.  
  
Steve let out a little laugh, leaning over and planting a chaste kiss on Bucky’s lips, “G’night, Buck.”  
  
Steve rolled over on his side facing towards the television, then he felt Bucky’s right arm wrap around him and pull him close, felt the kiss on the back of his neck.  
  
“Night, Stevie.”  


* * *

  
Bucky sat bolt upright in bed, grabbing his arm with his right hand and squeezing.  It was still dark outside, his vision was blurred and he couldn’t see then clock through the pain.  
  
“Bucky?  Bucky?  Hey,” Steve began to sit up himself, “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Go get Tony,” Bucky said through his clenched teeth, slamming his eyes shut when he tried to move his arm and was met by more pain.  
  
He heard Steve practically launch himself out of the bed and go stampeding through the room.  He could even hear him pounding on Tony’s door and yelling for him.  Now everyone was going to wake up.  
  
He vaguely remembered being told that the healing process would be long and hard if he truly wanted a replacement working limb.  It would be difficult and painful, but he didn’t have to have it.  He could have a normal replacement, one that doesn’t connect to your body like this one did, and heal quicker and be better sooner.  It was moments like this that made him wonder why he couldn’t say no.  
  
Tony was in only his boxers and a t-shirt, his hair was far messier than he ever dared people to see, and he looked a little panicked if you looked him in the eyes. Otherwise, it was pure Tony.  
  
“Pepper, my dear, please start running with the tool box,” Tony called over his shoulder, “Alright, let me see.”  
  
Bucky grit his teeth when Tony raised his arm and held it there, Steve coming into the room at full speed with the tool box and shoving it at Tony.  
  
“Pepper, darling, how putting on your pajamas changes you.  If you could be so kind, hold his arm up for me.”  
  
Steve went around Tony and held up Bucky’s arm, watching as Tony began to open a compartment.  Bucky’s head was down and his breathing harsh through his nose.   
  
Steve hoped his voice didn’t let on his fear, “Is there something we can do about the pain?”  
  
“You need to get Bruce, I have to do this, he can administer medication.”  
  
“You have medicine?” Steve asked. “Is that even legal?”  
  
“This is my ‘just in case’ kit.  It has everything, just in case, and legality is a really broad and bendable thing,” Tony said, popping a flashlight in his mouth quickly as he looked inside.  He took hold of Bucky’s arm without a word, holding it up as he continued to work with one hand.  Steve went running out of the room again, this time almost running into Clint and Natasha and Sam.  
  
Pepper was trying to explain to them the situation when Steve went running past them and down the steps to the cabin rooms where Bruce was staying.  He already had his door opened and was peaking his head out when Steve made it to the end of the steps and waved him on.  
  
Bruce followed, tying his robe closed and following suit with his pace hastened.  Steve and Bruce went past the group without a glance, Steve barely catching a hint of Pepper saying something about ‘no audience’ and thanking the good Lord Tony found Pepper.  She was a blessing time after time.  
  
“Bruce – Steve – my favorites.  Be so kind as to help?” Tony asked sweetly, but the concern was written on his face.   
  
Steve went back to holding Bucky’s arm in place while Bruce fiddled around in the case.  It took the panic in Steve’s mind a minute or two to calm down enough to hear that Bucky was talking – or rather – pleading.  
  
“Please Tony, no medication,” Bucky was quiet, so quiet is was barely a whisper.  
  
“You’re too tense for me to do this,” Tony said back, looking at his face, “One dose will not put you back to withdrawals.”  
  
“I can’t-”  
  
“Now is really not time for a power struggle,” Tony said with a little snip in his tone. He looked to Steve in exasperation, “Please, talk to him.”  
  
Steve stooped down, still holding Bucky’s arm as steady as he could.  He found Bucky’s face pinched so tight is made his own face hurt.  He was already sweating and the color was already gone from his face.  Bucky was the toughest guy Steve knew, so right then it was apparent how painful it truly was.  
  
“Bucky, listen to me,” Steve said gently, “Please.  You have to do this.”  
  
“I can’t.  I just can’t.”  
  
“Look, I know I don’t have my mom’s magical cream to numb you up, but this will help you.  So please, trust me like you did back then. I’m right here, just like before, okay?”  
  
Bucky opened his eyes and found Steve perfectly eye level with him.  He didn’t want to know what position Tony was in to still be tinkering around in his arm, but he never doubted the things Stark’s could do under pressure.  
  
Steve’s blue eyes held a ferocity and earnest that made Bucky realize that he was going to cave.  Withdrawals had scared the living shit out of him and that was just fact.  They were harsh and painful and humiliating.  It stuck with him.  He told Tony he never wanted to touch another drug ever again.  He understood it took two weeks or so for your body to become physically addicted, but he didn’t care. He’d rather live with the pain. The only problem was the pain itself.  It was worse than before.  He wasn’t sure how that was possible, but it was.  He wanted so badly just to go unconscious.  
  
“I’m here.  It will be fine,” Steve promised gently, “One dose, and one only.  I promise.”  
  
“Any day Steve,” Tony muttered from somewhere below eye level, popping the flashlight back in his mouth.  
  
“Please, Bucky.  Let us help you.  Let _me_ help you,” Steve asked.  
  
So Bucky nodded.  
  
Steve immediately went back to standing and Bruce was already wiping an alcohol swab over his upper arm.  Bucky felt Steve’s fingers run through his hair, then down his back and then back to his shoulder, where he squeezed.  
  
Tony took the flashlight back out of his mouth, “Bruce, you need to give him something to calm him.  If he’s shaking like this I could damage something.”  
  
“Bucky, is that alright?” Bruce asked, already digging into the toolbox.  
  
He felt Steve squeeze his shoulder again, rubbing his thumb back and forth in a comforting gesture, but he couldn’t even feel himself shaking.  But he wanted that pain gone so badly.  So badly.  
  
“Yes,” He said through chattering teeth.  
  
Steve bent down, still holding up his arm and holding his shoulder and Bucky was sure that had to be uncomfortable, but he was whispering in his ear while Bruce gave him the other shot.  
  
“Breathe with me, Buck.”  
  
It was hard not to laugh.  
  
_Roles Reverse, James_.  
  
“Bruce, I need a splitter.  The micro cutters and heat up the soldering iron.  Bucky, you give me the word when those meds hit and we’re going to lay you down.”  
  
“Why is this so bad?” He asked, remembering Tony putting in the nerve blockers and didn’t even know it.  
  
“Oh good, slurring, let’s lay him back gently boys,” Tony said.  
  
The three of them did, as gently as they could without jarring his arm.  Steve swatted the pillows off the bed and made sure Bucky’s arm didn’t move an inch as Bruce and Tony got him flat on the bed.  
  
“Good.  Now it’s looking bad because some of the wiring has failed.  It’s not only fried the blockers but the currents are going back into his actual nerves.  Murphy’s Law in a nutshell.”  
  
 “How did that happen?” Steve asked, genuinely concerned.  
  
 “Overuse? Bad wires? Rats?  Honestly I’m not sure. Bruce, I need the red, green and blue wiring, second level of the tool box.  Whatever happened it might have been happening  
for a while now and we didn’t know because I was an idiot and shut off the pain receptors,” Tony said with a hint of agitation at himself.  
  
“I’m so tired…” Bucky whispered, looking over at Steve, “I can’t feel it anymore.”  
  
“Good, see.  I told you.  Why don’t you rest your eyes, Buck.  We’ll handle the r-”  
  
Bucky was out before Steve could finish the sentence.  
  
Tony glanced at Bruce, “How much did you give him?”  
  
“One milligram of each.  Half the dose in case he needed more,” Bruce said, cutting wires and handing them to Tony.  
  
“Well, thank goodness for exhaustion and drugs then, because this might take a while.”  


* * *

  
By the time Tony had finished, the sun was up.  
  
Everyone was still awake and in Natasha and Clint’s suite waiting for word when Steve, Tony and Bruce walked in – all three looking exhausted.  
  
“How is he?” Natasha asked, standing up when she saw the three of them enter.  
  
“He should be fine. Nearly rewired his entire upper arm.  Replaced the blockers with prototypes because it’s all I had.  So if this worked like I want it, he can use his arm and sense things like pressure and gestures and movement but feel no pain.  It’s an entire chip in there full of coding and other advanced things that no one will care to listen to me explain.  I also have the hologram prototype in.  Because I figured I was in, so go big or go home.  I just have to figure out a schedule to check his arm…”  
  
Natasha locked eyes with Steve, “He’s sleeping.  The medication and the pain just knocked him out.  But I need to stay with him.  When he’s awake, I’ll get you, I promise.”  
  
She nodded, her eyes casting downward with worry.  
  
Steve went back to their room, Bucky still asleep with his arm now laying by his side, a pillow tucked under his head and sleeping soundly.  
  
Even though his hands were done shaking, Steve wasn’t even sure he could fall back asleep.  He had said it over and over that he could have handled it, and he did.  He told Bucky that he could be there when he needed him, and he was.  Yet there was nothing more terrifying than watching your best friend being in total pain and the best you could do was watch someone else help.  
  
He climbed back into bed with Bucky, sitting up and letting his eyes drift to the television as his hand gently swept through Bucky’s hair.  He’d be here when he woke – at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all once again for reading! I always appreciate any feedback~!


	5. Bucket List

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive all the shitty line breaks and such - I've been trying to post this chapter for days and this damn website was just giving me trouble after trouble so I just had to settle with this. And sorry it took so long. A little more Bucky/Steve play in this one - hope you enjoy!

Bucky woke with a horrible sinking feeling. The cold prickle of anxiety coasting his skin and settling into his bones like a horrible reminder. He sat up straight in the bed, stirring Steve instantly. 

“Please tell me that didn’t happen,” Bucky said quietly, looking over at Steve who seemed to have fallen asleep sitting up. 

Steve was rubbing at his eyes with his fingers, “We both know I can’t lie to you.”

Bucky sighed, catching his falling face in his open palm, “What time is it?”

“A little after ten,” Steve said. 

“Is Tony sleeping outside the door?”

Steve shook his head, “No, Pepper made him move.”

“Would you go get him, please? I’m…”

Steve leaned over and kissed away the rest of the words he didn’t want to say, “I know, stay still.”

Bucky was grateful he didn’t have to say the words. Being ‘scared’ and ‘nervous’ or anything with likeness to those things made him cringe. To admit it out loud seemed to bring them a new meaning – a new life – and that seemed to feel as though it was made to destroy Bucky’s bravery with a fervor.

Tony came into the room, still in his pajamas and looking to be woken out of sleep once more. 

Bucky grimaced, “I’m so-”

“Don’t. Please. You’ll ruin your cold hard exterior that I’ve known you for. Please, be so kind,” Tony pointed to his left arm and raised it, and waited for Bucky to follow suit. 

He raised his arm just as Tony did, and was relieved that not a twinge of pain followed the movement. He gave Tony a small nod before he came over and began to move Bucky’s arm around, making him move his fingers and bend his elbow and work in all different directions before looking inside again. He popped a cover off on the outside of his bicep instead of the inside. Bucky wondered how many point of entries were on his arm. 

“Well, good news is it looks great. Bad news is, I still don’t know what caused it to get how it did to cause everything that happened last night. Better news yet, this means I get to constantly visit you to check on your arm. You’ll get to see this pretty mug once a week, maybe every other if I’m feeling confident.”

“So every other week,” Bucky said with a grin. 

“Wit and charm. Now, let’s see if those sensors are working. Go ahead and give me a good shake,” Tony said, sticking out his hand. 

Bucky blanched, “I’m sorry?”

“Now sensors, make a fist. Can you feel them?”

He could feel the pressure in his hand, he could tell when his fist was in a ball and needed to go no further. He flexed his fingers, pursing his lips and eyeing Tony wearily. 

“These are even more hypersensitive than what Pop’s put in there,” Tony winked at him, shaking his hand back and forth in his face, “Take it.”

“Tony…”

“Ah…don’t. Doubting me will be as good as your doubting our friendship,” Tony smiled brightly, flapping his hand in Bucky’s face like a fish out of water. 

“Okay, okay,” Bucky said, exasperated.

He could feel his hand coming around Tony’s hand and nearly had his mouth fall open. It was a strange sensation, not having all the sense of touch but having the sensors of pressure. It almost made him laugh outright when he could tell he was holding Tony’s hand and shook it, making Tony smile. 

“Severely underestimated,” Bucky said, not being able to hold back the smile. 

“Now that that is all sorted, if you could get dressed please. Sam is convinced he killed you when he tackled you even though the stability in the arm denotes that claim, and Natasha and Clint might just kill me to get in here. Of course Pepper and Bruce are the patient ones of the bunch, but still. Could you come grace us with your presence?”

“They would never kill you Tony. Hurt you severely…maybe Natasha under pressure,” Bucky chuckled, tossing the covers off of him and standing. 

Tony took a step closer, dropping his voice an octave so Steve couldn’t hear. Bucky’s eyes flicked to him, seeing his brow creased in concern. 

“I’m sorry about all of that…and having to give you medication. I am. I needed you to know that.”

Bucky’s lips parted to say something, but Tony already turned on his heel and was headed out the door. 

“What was that?” Steve asked, genuinely concerned. 

“Tony Stark just had a moment of humility. Weird.” 

Steve couldn’t help but laugh a little at that, coming around the bed and putting his own hand out between them. Bucky smiled at him and took it, closing his fingers gently around Steve’s hand. 

“Right there,” Bucky said.  
_______________________________________________________________________________

“You. Didn’t. Do it.” Tony said again, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Bruce, please.”

“Really,” Bruce added from across them, “It was purely a technical malfunction, most likely Tony’s fault when he put in the nerve blockers.”

Tony looked up, his hand stilled in the air, looking over at Bruce who looked over from Sam to Tony, back to Sam with a smile, and then back to Tony where the smile dropped. 

Pepper rubbed Tony’s upper back, “Mistakes happen to those who try.”

“Please don’t literally rub it in,” Tony muttered. 

Pepper whispered low, “You did something to help a friend, with no ill intent. Mistakes happen, and you helped him.”

Tony went to say something, but Pepper wasn’t done, “He was the man that saved your life and a friend before that and still he is the same. I can guarantee you Bucky doesn’t blame you. You were trying to help him like he helped you. Don’t go beating yourself up over it or I will beat you myself.” 

Tony looked over to her, searching her face with a tiny smile, “Did you know I only count myself lucky when it only comes to you.”

“Luck has nothing to do with it, Stark,” She laughed.

Steve walked into the room them, causing half the table to stand before he held his hands up a little, “He’s coming. He needed to change.”  
Natasha muttered something in Russian under her breathe before walking away from the table and back the way Steve had come. 

“Well, that will be one way to make him move faster,” Clint chuckled. 

Natasha came around the corner a moment later, Bucky still trying to yank his shirt all the way down while she tugged him along by his right arm. 

“Tell this sorry bastard you are fine, please,” Natasha said, planting him next to Sam. 

Bucky shrugged as Sam looked up at him, “I’m fine.”

Natasha swatted him upside his head, making Bucky turn to glare at her. She glared back, pursing her lips before nodding her head to Sam again. His eyebrows rose, not needing to say ‘Oh’ out loud. 

“You didn’t break my arm, Sam,” Bucky looked up at Tony, who winked at him. “It was all Stark’s fault. No worries.”

Tony threw up his hands in exasperation, but he was smiling. Bucky took Natasha’s place in between Sam and Clint, and Natasha took a seat in between Steve and Tony. 

Bucky was having a conversation with Sam, and Steve could see the worry practically dry up from Sam and be replaced with humor. Clint and Sam started cracking jokes, busting Bucky’s chops while Bucky kept flicking them so hard their arms were going numb. Typical. 

“He’s fine,” Natasha said quietly to Steve. “Don’t worry so much.”

Steve must have been staring with that far off look in his eyes, because he wasn’t worried about Bucky’s arm. 

“I know,” Steve said, not elaborating on which part he meant.

“We should all do hiking together today. The entire group,” She said, looking over to Steve. 

Tony leaned forward, “I, for one, would like to relax for today. A group love hike tomorrow sounds great. Today should be full of junk food and bad movies and maybe more fishing.”

“Never such thing as too much fishing,” Sam added, rubbing at his arm after making a comment to Bucky about ‘chafing his dick’.   
Clint had visibly moved his chair away after his comment about ‘super masturbation powers’. 

“My father nor the Russians invented a biomechanical arm for masturbation!” Tony finally said loudly over Pepper’s head, causing both Clint and Sam to burst out laughing. “How old are you three? Masturbation jokes and flicking each other?”

“Well I’d punch them to be more mature about it, but I don’t want to cause serious physical injury,” Bucky said with a smug smile. 

“Couldn’t do that with your right, Barnes,” Clint called, still shuffling his chair away from him.

“Get your ass back here and I’ll prove it.”

“Ah, masculinity,” Natasha sighed, making Steve laugh so hard his stomach hurt. 

“Steve and I’ll will go into town,” Natasha said. “Get some junk food. Tony, I’m sure one of the five million movies you have stored on that external hard drive of yours is cheesy enough for our viewing pleasure.”

“One?” Tony scoffed. “You underestimate my impeccable tastes.”

Even Natasha couldn’t stop herself from grinning. 

“Pep, please make sure Clint and Sam don’t die,” Natasha said as she stood from the table, Steve joining her. “Text us your orders.”

Tony held out his card and waved it at Steve obnoxiously close to his eye before he snatched it away. Natasha tried to take it and hand it back, but Tony was already leaning on Pepper’s shoulders while she tapped away her order of junk food and Tony kept adding to it.

Natasha slung her arm around Steve’s shoulders, tugging him along. She let go when they got to the door, and as always Steve opened it and held it for her as she walked passed, thanking him. 

She was down the stairs and halfway across to her car when she looked to Steve, “Your mom did good raising you, you know that? If I wasn’t with Clint and you weren’t pining after Bucky, I’d have you all to myself.”

Steve literally ran into the rental car when the words came from Natasha’s lips, making her roll her eyes and shake her head, “You open the door Steve.”

“What did you just say?”

She was climbing into the car, “Open the door!”

He opened the door and dumped himself into the seat, “Before that.”

“That I’m with Clint and you’re into Bucky and you’re totally marriage material?”

Steve nodded, swallowing heavily. 

She laughed lightly and patted his cheek affectionately, “Oh, Steve. Did you think I was blind?”  
___________________________________________________________________________________

Bucky finished changing back into pajamas, upon Tony declaring it had to be a pajama party. 

Clint and Sam both showed up at Tony’s door with only pillows over there crotches, yet they lost their straight faces when Pepper started giggling and tried to take a photo with Tony posing next to them. Even Bruce joined in Bucky and Pepper’s cat calling while Tony called after them asking them to come back.

Natasha and Steve happened to come back when Tony was asking why the pillows were so big.

“I just can’t understand. I’m sure a coaster could have been sufficient,” Tony said, tugging a little on Clint’s pants. 

Bucky snorted, then immediately moved out of the way when Clint swung at his arm, and came over to help with the bags Natasha and Steve were holding. 

“You guys can never contain yourselves, can you?” Natasha asked, handing over the bags to Bucky. 

“Tony’s insinuating I have a small dick,” Clint said, glaring at Tony.

“I’m going to take a guess and say there is a reason.”

“We wanted it to be a pajama party, and him and Sam showed up with only pillows up front,” Pepper said, still red in the face from concentrating on not laughing. 

Natasha raised a brow at Clint, “You didn’t bother covering that flat ass of yours?”

Clint threw up his hands, “You can’t defend my honor?”

“Depends. Anyone get pictures?”

Pepper smiled and grabbed her phone, making Clint throw up his hands again before he turned his attention back to arguing with Tony.

“Did people really want this much crap?” Bucky asked, sifting through the bags.

“Most of them are Tony’s,” Steve said holding up a handful of bags, “These are the ones that aren’t his.”

“Here, I’ll sort this out, go get on pajamas before Tony gives you the speech about ‘upholding the bonds of friendship’.”

Steve couldn’t help but chuckle, “Seriously?”

“Stick around for a few more minutes and you can find out. I’m sure he’ll be bored with Clint any second.”

“Steve, come on, pajama time,” Natasha said, strolling towards the door, “If Stark utters another word I’ll have to strangle him, and I can’t do that to Pepper.”

Steve handed off the bags to Bucky, “What, kill her fiancé?” 

“No, have Tony bitch for the rest of the trip,” Natasha said, hooking her arm around Steve’s and dragging him backwards out the room.   
Natasha spun Steve around and tossed her arm over his shoulders, “Can you look anymore panicked, Steve? I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew you’d get like this.”

They paused outside of her room, which was just down the hall from Tony’s, “I did not.”

“You did. Like a deer in the headlights.”

“No…” Steve whispered.

“Steve, look, you need to go back to being natural. He’s not dumb, he’ll know something is up,” Natasha sighed, “Look, relax. It’s not like I’m off to tell the world you’re into James.”

“I know, I know,” Steve sighed, “It just seems like more and more people are figuring this out and I don’t know if he’s comfortable with that when he doesn’t even…no, we – yeah, we don’t-”

“You’re rambling,” Natasha deadpanned. 

Steve held up his hands, “Okay. Normal.”

“You guys alright?” Bucky asked as he came down the hall. 

Steve had jumped so hard he stumbled, “Fine! Girl talk.”

“Girl talk?” Bucky asked, looking at Steve like he grew a second head.

“Yeah!” Steve’s voice was a pitch higher in panic, “You know how they were busting my chops about dating.”

Bucky nodded as he continued walking by, giving his friend a concerned look but continuing towards their room. 

As soon as he was out of ear shot, Natasha swatted Steve upside the head, “What the hell?”

Steve was smacking himself, “I don’t know.”

Natasha sighed, stepping around Steve and grabbing the handle to her room, “Look, get it together and remember everything I said. I’ll see you back here.”

With that, she went into her room and shut the door behind her.

Steve nearly ran into Bucky on his way into the room when Bucky was on his way out. He had his and Steve’s pillows and blankets.

“Just in case we pass out there,” Bucky explained when Steve gave him a questioning look. “You alright?”

“Fine.”

Bucky pursed his lips and gave Steve a dead look, “You are still the world’s worst liar.”

Steve walked past Bucky towards the dresser drawers where his clothes were, pulling open the top drawer, his shoulders tense.

“Steve, are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure?” Bucky asked, his voice softening. 

Some of the tension eased out of Steve’s shoulders as he rummaged through his clothes, “Natasha spent the entire outing berating me about considering a relationship. She thinks that now I’m more confident about my appearance and I’m out in the world or some crap that I should try dating.”

Bucky took a moment to make sure he sounded normal, “You weren’t kidding about girl talk.”

Steve nearly smacked himself again, but opted for a chuckle, “I think I got her to lay off for now.”

Steve grabbed at the hem of his shirt and yanked it up and over his head, trying his best to fight the blush that was threatening his face.

He and Natasha might have spent the outing discussing just about everything that had happened between the two of them thus far. Minus a few things – like Steve’s deepest feelings. He might have semi-mentioned some things about the entire night of their first kiss, and their grind session. Yet Natasha wanted to make sure Bucky knew what was right in front of him.

“Seriously,” She said, staring down the chips with deep consideration. “Look, I know the two of you have been crazy about each other for a while. It’s been so blatant it hurts.”

“Well it hasn’t been apparent for all of us…” Steve grumbled.

“Thing is, Bucky has been checking you out and pining after you before I got you looking good enough to eat.”

Steve looked over at Natasha, an eyebrow raised. She looked at him with a scowl.

“What, you’re a good looking guy Steve. I’m not afraid to say it. You however, need to make sure you flaunt it.”

Steve rolled his eyes, “Come on Natasha…”

“I’m not saying run around naked. Just, a little something here and there, with the comfortable nature of formality. How often did the two of you used to change in front of each other before? Before all this crap? I’m guessing you panic at the sight of him without a shirt.”

Steve glared at her with all his might, “I don’t panic.”

“Do you two even change in front of each other anymore? Look, I’m guessing you two shut down most of your friendship because of this. Am I right?”

Steve looked forlorn, but nodded without comment. 

“I know. Look, I need you to act like everything is normal. Like you two are still best friends, but not like everything is normal, because you two have feelings for each other. Do you get me?”

Steve wasn’t sure if he had entirely gotten that entire conversation, but he figured now was the best time to try it out. 

“I asked her to drop it,” Steve said, unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans and pulling them off. “But you know Natasha, once she gets her mind on something she is really head strong about it.”

Steve turned around, holding up two t-shirts, “Which one?”

Bucky’s eyes didn’t lift from roaming all over his stomach and chest, but somehow he registered which shirts Steve was holding up, “The blue one is your favorite for lounging.”

Steve looked at the shirt, “Says who?”

“You always wear it at the house when we watch movies.”

Steve lifted both eyebrows in a bit of shock. Sometimes there were moments when he forgot how well they knew each other and how much time they spent together.

Steve tossed the other shirt back into the drawer and tugged out his oldest pair of lounge pants that had a few holes starting to make their way into the fabric. 

He tugged on the pants and tied the string to make sure the pants didn’t slip off. He turned when he heard Bucky set down the blankets and pillows, and turned just in time to find himself almost nose to nose with him.

“Buck?”

Bucky visibly swallowed, taking a step back, “Sorry. I just felt like now I should tell you…”

Steve couldn’t help but feel his heart begin to speed up and he had to ball his hands into fists to stop himself from reaching out to Bucky.  
“Tell me what?”

Bucky reached forward, cupping Steve’s face in the way he had adapted to do lately, and Steve couldn’t help but lean into his touch. 

“You were so gorgeous before,” Bucky whispered. “You really were.”

Steve tried not to show the hint of disappointment he felt when Bucky said ‘were’. “I wasn’t anything close to looking remotely-”

“You were Steve. I never could tell you. But now…”

Bucky’s hand moved away from Steve’s face, and his hand trailed from his neck, down to trace his collar bone, to have two lonely fingers drag their way down the front of Steve’s chest and down to trace the muscles in his stomach.

“How…How could you have ever thought…” Steve swallowed, trying to get his composer. “I looked awful.”

Bucky let out a low chuckle, one that made Steve nearly crumble there. It was meant to be a humorless laugh, but it came out so husky. 

“You really were stunning,” Bucky looked up to meet Steve’s eyes. “I mean it.”

“You hate how I look now?” Steve didn’t mean to sound so dejected but he felt like that was where this conversation was going.  
Bucky splayed out his fingers on Steve’s lower stomach, making Steve lean forward, bringing their faces closer together once more. 

“Steve, it’s making it more and more difficult to keep my hands off of you.”

The deep, husky need that enwrapped Bucky’s voice turned Steve on more than he thought any voice could. 

Bucky leaned in to press his lips to Steve’s, his right hand sliding up Steve’s stomach and up his chest, grazing past a nipple that made Steve shiver. 

Steve reached forward, grabbing at the hem of Bucky’s shirt and pulling it over his head with one tug, dropping it carelessly somewhere on the floor. It made the momentary separation of their lips almost unbearable, and they locked back on with fervor. Steve had been waiting for years to run his hands over Bucky’s stomach, his chest, his back. He had dreamed about it. He fantasied about it. Now here he was, his tongue in Bucky’s mouth, moaning into him as he played with his nipple that he discovered was sensitive, both his hands splayed out on the bottom of his stomach. Bucky’s tongue felt like sin as it moved in his mouth, their breathing coming out heavy. Steve moved his hands to trace the line of Bucky’s hip bone, his fingers skirting to the edge of Bucky’s pajama pants. 

Bucky inhaled sharply through his nose pressing his body to Steve’s fingers, wishing he’d pull down his pants and wrap his delicate artistic fingers around his cock. 

Steve hooked both index fingers over the hem of Bucky’s pants and tugged him along as he walked backwards, the two of them never taking their mouths off of each other. 

Once Steve felt the backs of his legs hit the bed, he wrapped his arms around Bucky’s shoulders and behind his neck and dragged him down with him. 

They barely bounced, nearly knocking their faces together, causing them to laugh as their lips found their way back to the others. Bucky locked his hands under Steve’s arms and heaved him properly on the bed, breaking their lip contact to crawl over top of him. Steve brought his legs up so they bent at the knee, spreading them to allow Bucky to crawl through him. 

Bucky nearly lost it right then and there. He was already turned on with all the kissing and touching and Steve pulling him to a bed nearly made him lose the rest of his self-control and rip off Steve’s pants and boxers. Yet looking at him, laying on his back with his legs spread, his face flushed and his lips red and plumped and panting – Bucky wasn’t quite sure he could hold back any longer. 

Bucky was placing himself in between Steve’s legs when Steve reached up and grabbed at the back of his neck and yanked him down. Bucky rolled his hips down just as their lips parted in greeting, causing them to moan into their other’s mouths as their erections pressed together. The taste of Steve’s mouth was driving Bucky wild and paired with the feel of his tongue twisting around his own in his mouth was incredible. He began rolling his hips into Steve, making sure to cause their erections to move together in a pressing tease, making Steve moan more and more into his mouth. 

“Mmm, Buck, they’re going to – ah – wonder where – ohmygah – where we are…” Steve was panting in between the kissing, the groping, and the dry humping. He couldn’t keep his hands still, touching anywhere they could possibly reach. He had always wanted to put his hands all over Bucky, and now that it was finally happening, he was touching like it would never happen again. 

Steve raised his hips when Bucky rolled his down, causing Bucky to shutter and hold in a moan.

“Don’t care,” Bucky said, kissing his way to Steve’s neck, testing out a tiny nip at the skin and getting a heated moan in his ear as a response. 

“Buck…” Steve panted his name and it made Bucky want so much more than they were ready for. Hearing Steve pant his name like that with no follow up made Bucky want them to shred the rest of their clothes and just fuck already.

Bucky kept his left arm bent at the elbow, leaving his right hand to trail down lightly over Steve’s stomach, stopping just short of his pant line. He hooked his finger on the inside and ran his finger back and forth against Steve’s skin as a silent question, still kissing him, now nipping at his collarbone which made Steve shiver over and over again with barely contained moans. 

Steve was nodding, his eyes closed in bliss, his lips still parted and panting, unable to form words. It was suddenly hard to stop his hand from shaking, even if it was slight. He curled the rest of his fingers around not just the hem of Steve’s pants but his boxers, lifting his own hips while Steve dropped his legs flat and arched his hips. It was surprisingly easy how fast they slid off. Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s chest, pushing gently, and Bucky followed until he was sitting up on his knees. 

Steve began with his own fumbling fingers, grabbing at Bucky’s pants and beginning to pull them down. 

Bucky rested his left hand on Steve’s, “We can slow down…”

Steve felt himself relax at the gentle whisper that came out of Bucky, though they were both still breathless. Steve made sure to look into his eyes before he shook his head. 

Bucky gently pushed Steve back down and first helped Steve shed his pants completely instead of them just pulled down past his buttocks. Bucky leaned down and kissed the flat of his stomach, placed a kiss on his hip bone, he leaned forward and placed a kiss on Steve’s chest just above his heart. He could feel it pounding and let his lips linger, trailing his right hand up to cup his face. He moved his lips to press them against Steve’s, gently but with the pressure of longing. 

Steve pressed his hand on Bucky’s chest again, moving him back and Steve sitting up with him as Bucky sat back up. Steve shuffled them around until he was on top of him as he laid Bucky back and began kissing a trail down from the top of chest to the line where his pants once were. He shed them slowly like snake skin, making Bucky squirm with impatience. Yet with every squirm or with every kiss, Steve looked up at Bucky with those beautiful blue eyes, pupils dilated with lust and it always made Bucky’s cock throb. 

When Steve finally managed to get Bucky’s pants and boxers off, Bucky reached forward and pulled Steve’s slender body down, wrapping his arms around him and going back to working on his mouth with a new passion. Steve’s thighs were wrapped at Bucky’s waist, their erections perfectly pressed together. He felt Steve slide against him, grinding their now bare erections against each other and it made Bucky’s mouth drop open. It was so much stimulation with so little action he couldn’t believe it – he had never been so turned on in his life. Steve had the most wicked smirk on his lips having done that to Bucky. He’d never seen his best friend lose himself so easily – or period for that matter. 

Bucky slid his hands down Steve’s back, over the hump of his ass cheeks and then sat up a little as he grabbed at his thigs. Bucky spread his own legs quickly, sitting the two of them up until his legs were out in a V in front of him and Steve’s legs dangled over his as he sat right in front of him. 

Bucky grabbed the back of Steve’s neck with his left hand, thanking Tony mentally for giving him back this much, and pulled Steve’s face back to his. His pressed his lips to Steve’s briefly before Steve opened his mouth, inviting Bucky’s tongue to dive back in for more. Bucky loved the way Steve’s tongue moved against his, it made his cock throb almost painfully. Bucky reached forward with his right hand, his fingers wrapping themselves around Steve’s erection firmly, his heart thudding so loud he could hear it in his ears. 

Yet the gasp Steve gave was even louder. He moved his fist slowly up and down once, giving it a test, but the small little whimper Steve gave in response to his stopping made him continue on. Bucky angled his wrist out at the perfect degree before pumping Steve again, slowly in the most torturous speed he could muster, noting Steve was losing some of his focus on making out and beginning to mostly moan in his mouth. Bucky found that even hotter. 

When he felt Steve’s attentive fingers wrap around his own throbbing cock he almost lost his own focus. When Steve started to pump his cock in rhythm that Bucky was doing to him, Bucky understood why he lost his focus on making out. They pressed their foreheads together, between their heavy panting and their occasional moaning, they spared a kiss when they could. When Bucky picked up his pace, he had to actually put his left hand over Steve’s mouth he moaned so loud. 

He couldn’t help but smirk at him, leaning close to whisper in his ear, “I always wanted to hear you moan.”

Those husky words gave Steve more gusto, picking up his own speed even though he kept moaning under Bucky’s hand. It was so apparent he was trying to keep it down and failing miserably. 

Bucky leaned against his ear again, “Do you want to come for me, Steve?”

Bucky moved his left hand down to just under Steve’s lower lip, he was panting so hard trying to stop himself from moaning outright, “Yes…”

The whimper of a response almost finished Bucky right then. 

“Then tell me, Stevie,” Bucky panted in his ear, pulling back to look at him. 

Watching Steve practically fall apart in front of him was a sight to behold. His cheeks were so flushed, he was biting on his lower lip to stop himself from being so loud, his bright blue eyes heavily lidded and pupils blown out. 

“Please make me come,” Steve panted. 

Bucky had to think of everything on Earth that could turn him off to stop himself from coming right then. 

Bucky picked up his speed, making Steve’s lips slip open as they hung apart in silent bliss. His eyebrows furrowed, and his own hand on Bucky had accidentally begun to slow unconsciously.

“Bucky….Bucky…Bucky…” Steve panted like a plea. “I’m going to-”

He leaned forward and bit into Bucky’s right shoulder to stop himself from yelling out. Bucky hissed at the pain, but kept moving his hand as Steve’s load started to slide on his hand and Steve kept shaking and trying to thrust into Bucky’s hand as he rode out his orgasm. It was the hottest thing Bucky had ever seen, and he wanted to see it again and again and again. He slowed his hand, feeling Steve release his mouth from his shoulder and mumble an apology before Steve’s own hand got back to picking up its pace. 

Steve leaned forward planting a light kiss where he dig his teeth into Bucky’s shoulder then moving his lips up to Bucky’s ear, “Please come for me. I want to hear you say my name when you come.”

Bucky’s jaw dropped. Never in his wildest dreams could he have imagined Steve saying something like that in his ear. He didn’t even realized he moaned until Steve was whispering in ear again. 

“I didn’t know it sounded that good…” Bucky could practically hear the smirk in his voice. “Who would have thought you were such a sucker for dirty talk.”

Steve nipped at Bucky’s earlobe, making his toes curl. This was a side of Steve he thought never would ever thought existed. He was so glad it did. 

Steve pressed his lips to Bucky’s neck just under his ear, talking against the heated flesh, “Were you thinking of me when you were jerking off in the shower yesterday?”

Bucky was panting, “Yes.”

“I always picture you,” Steve whispered, his fist pumping fast and hard, “This is better than I ever imagined.”

Bucky was panting and trying not to moan, biting his lip to stop himself when he knew he’d be loud. He felt the warmth creeping in the pit of his stomach, he knew he was close.

He reached up with his left hand, digging his fingers into Steve’s hair and yanked the blonds face away from his ear hoping he was gentle enough but he wanted to see Steve when he came. 

“Steve…” Bucky’s voice was a throaty whisper. “Steve…”

Bucky pressed his lips against Steve’s mouth, the blond opening to listen to Bucky moan into his mouth as his body shook and his cum covered Steve’s hand. Bucky was panting into Steve’s mouth, letting the kisses become more languid and lazy as the orgasm faded off into a memory. Steve reached up with his clean hand, pressing it against Bucky’s chest lightly and running it down to his stomach once more. 

They broke off after several more kisses. 

Bucky rested his head against Steve’s before smiling, getting the blond to smile back so wide he was surprised it didn’t hurt. 

“Let’s clean up.”

Steve nodded and smiled into the kiss Bucky planted on his lips before the two of them got off the bed. Luckily, they didn’t get anything on the bed. Mostly on their own legs and hands, which was easy enough to clean off. They washed up properly, stealing random kisses when they could. 

“Get your hair wet,” Bucky said.

“Huh?”

“We’ve been gone for…twenty minutes. I told them I was getting our blankets and pillows,” Bucky said.

“But you were nice enough to wait until I was done with my shower,” Steve grinned back.

Bucky nodded, “I got cold, too, and had to change my shirt.”

Steve frowned at the bruising that was forming around the bite mark, “I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

Bucky kissed away the rest of the apology, still standing naked with Steve, he let his fingers trail along his stomach and hip. 

“I like it…” Bucky muttered.

“Kinky bastard,” Steve laughed, making Bucky flick at him in response. 

Bucky turned on his heel to go get dressed while Steve wet his hair, before Steve called him back.

“Hey Buck…?”

Bucky turned, and Steve had to swallow several times to remember why he had called out to him in the first place. They had seen each other naked tons of times. They’d changed in front of each other so many times they lost count. Yet it was like seeing Bucky in a new light. 

Bucky raised an eyebrow, “You alright?”

“This won’t make things awkward or change things between us or ruin whatever progress we were making if we were making progress because I don’t want to ruin our friendship like we’re worried about-”

Bucky walked up, kissing the rest of the words away, “I don’t want it to make things awkward, and I do hope it changes things. Do I know what will happen? No. Am I scared? Yes.”

“You’re scared, too?”

Bucky gave Steve a sad smile, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Steve shrugged, “Dumb question.”

Steve moved back and turned the shower on, ducking his head under while Bucky went and got dressed. He brought Steve his clothes while he was toweling off his hair. The two of them grabbed their blankets and pillows, and finally showed up to Tony’s room, laughing after Bucky told them to just act natural and not have the after-orgasm glow. 

“About damn time!” Clint called. 

“Pretty boy had to take a shower,” Bucky said, tossing his blanket down next to Natasha who was leaning against Clint. 

“Well damn me and hygiene,” Steve muttered, tossing his own stuff next to Bucky’s. 

“Thank you for not smelling like a horse’s ass like Rogers,” Sam said laying on the end of Tony and Pepper’s bed.

Bruce was situated in between Pepper and Tony, Tony and him riffling through the bags of food while Pepper scrolled through Tony’s tablet for a movie. 

Bucky and Steve got as comfortable as they could on the floor. Tony had managed to get nearly every pillow in the resort it seemed, so Bucky and Steve added to Natasha and Clint’s wall of pillows to lean against. They finally settled in and threw the blanket on just as Sam jumped up and turned off the light while Pepper put a movie to the television. 

Natasha leaned over to Bucky, “I gotta admit, I’m kinda diggin’ this far more than hiking.”

Bucky turned to smile at her, “It is pretty nice to be together.”

She smirked at him, bumping her shoulder against his, “You’re getting soft on me.”

Bucky winked, “Just don’t let anyone else know.”

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

After three movies back to back and the early morning hours creeping up on them, only a few of them were still awake to make it to their room. Sam ventured off along with Bruce, but Clint and Natasha were already asleep sitting up. 

Bucky and Steve were holding hands under their blankets, far out of view from Tony and Pepper before Steve squeezed his hand. 

“You ready to head back?” He peaked his head up over the end of the bed. “Tony and Pep are already out, so are Clint and Nat.”

“Yeah, I refuse to sleep on a floor when there are comfortable beds available.”

They quietly gathered their things, both of them almost tripping over their own trailing blankets as they left the room. The two of them walked silently as they walked down the hall, constantly bumping shoulders because they refused to walk further apart.

“So two days left here before we head to The Falls,” Steve said, smiling lightly. 

“One notch off your bucket list,” Bucky said with a smile. 

“I hate thinking of it as a ‘do-to list before death’ thing. Just – what I want to experience.”

Bucky chuckled, “That’s so you.”

“What's on your Bucket list, then?” Steve asked, opening the door to their room as they made their way to Bucky’s bed. 

“Well it’s changed drastically since I almost died,” Bucky said, elbowing Steve. “So I’m still calling mine a bucket list. Never know when it can get kicked.”

Steve’s lips twitched, knowing that was true, “Yeah, and that’s so you. So come on. Bucket list.”

Bucky took a seat on his side of the bed, clicking on the television and turning it on low, setting his blanket down and setting up his pillow and thinking quietly. 

“Graduate college, for one,” Bucky took his shirt off, laying it on the bedside table with his phone before getting into the bed. “Don’t tell me that doesn’t count either. I can see it ready to come out of your mouth.”

Steve pursed his lips as he flicked off the light, “Okay, okay. I admit, it’s a good one.”

“I’d like to travel. Someplace so opposite of Brooklyn – but far away.”

“West Virginia,” Steve laughed. 

“Ha-ha,” Bucky said, sitting up against his pillows and tossing his blankets over his legs. “I mean like, overseas. Some country side. Beautiful scenery. Backpacking type – no hotels or anything like that.”

“Really?” Steve asked, sitting up next to Bucky so their shoulders touched. 

“Take up real photography, too maybe. Get like, professional lessons. Pretty pointless to do all that adventuring without capturing a few of those moments in time.”

Steve hummed, “I like the sound of that.”

“Skydiving.”

“Totally on your own,” Steve laughed. 

“Oh, you’re doing my bucket list with me?” Bucky asked teasingly.

“We do everything together, face it.”

“Always have,” Bucky smile. 

“I want to take a martial arts class,” Steve said. 

Bucky couldn’t help but laugh, “About damn time. I want to learn Russian.”

“Russian? You gunna get Nat to teach you?” Steve asked. 

Bucky shrugged, “She could be a good teacher…”

The two were silent for a moment, looking seriously at each other before their faces split into grins, bursting out laughing. “Nah…”

“I want to go out to see the Statue of Liberty,” Steve said. 

“Well we both know that one,” Bucky said gently.

“To think living that close to her and never had gone and seen her. Seems almost dumb.”

“Nah. Oh! travel the country – this one – and see all the landmarks, the monuments, the history.”

“That’s a full damn list,” Steve chuckled. 

“I got more…” Bucky’s voice faded, like he regretted saying that.

“Well list em’,” Steve said, nudging him.

“What, I’m the only one who has to?” Buck retorted.

Steve raised a curious brow, “Ones you don’t want to mention I take it…”

Bucky practically huffed, but the joy in his shoulders deflated, “Come on, what about more of yours?”

“You really can’t say it after everything we’ve been through. Come on, we tell each other everything,” Steve was still smiling at Bucky, but the more he pressed, the more Bucky closed himself off. 

“Fine, I’d like to kiss in the rain,” Steve said quietly, his cheeks flaming, “I know it’s cheesy and crap. But just once.”

“I’ll never get that,” Bucky said seriously. “Why? Why in the rain?”

“Because nothing is better than ignoring the storm of the world to steal a moment for the person you love. Sure you get wet and it’s probably cold, but it’s a moment that shows that when it’s the two of you versus the world, you two will win.”

Bucky was silent for a moment before he dared a look at Steve, his friend looking at him for understanding. 

“I think I’ll add that to my list, too.”

Steve smiled at him, sliding down to get comfortable and Bucky following suit. Steve turned to his side, smiling to himself when he felt the cool metal of Bucky’s left arm curl around his abdomen and pull him close. 

“Hey Buck?”

Bucky rolled his eyes, they never could go straight to sleep with Steve, “Yeah?”

“You knock anything off your bucket list yet?”

He smiled, his lips curling against the back of Steve’s neck before he gave it a light kiss, “Maybe.”

Steve pursed his lips, “Damn you, Bucky.”

Bucky laughed in turn, “You want to tell me what you’ve knocked off yours?”

Steve clenched his jaw, “Goodnight, Buck.”

That only made Bucky laugh even louder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading - comments and kudos always welcomed!

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be posting the next chapter as soon as I get the chance. I'm returning to work this week so I'll try my best if anyone wants me to continue on. Come visit me anytime as well on my tumblr http://nevifail.tumblr.com/


End file.
